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Daisybo NC Diary
(461 posts) (49 voices)-
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Posted 6 months ago daisybo
offlineMemberOk so the ex came round on friday night to see me, he had said he wanted to talk and sort stuff out. He bottled it and just talked about financial matters, the house and chatted briefly in a friendly manner. After he had gone I sent him the NC message. I got really upset yesterday as found out that the girl who split us up has moved back to the area, and is living really really close to him now he has moved out of our place. I felt like sending him a message saying how cosy it had all worked out for them, but refrained. He has assured me he is not seeing this girl but i feel really in the dark. Feels like I have got some control back after sending the NC message. Just seems a hopeless situation though at the moment! He has made it quite clear we are never getting back together, although we split very quickly after 5 years. Hard not speaking to someone after used to speaking to them 5 times a day and living with them. Suppose i can only hope that with NC he will start to feel that too.
Posted 6 months ago #-
theunabeefer
offlineMemberStay strong. I was with my ex for over 4 years, and have had daily almost-nonstop texting with them for 5 years... NC will be tough, but focus on what you want the outcome to be.
I can relate to how you're feeling: in the dark, probably unbelieving his claim to "not seeing her"... the hopelessness of the situation, being told that you're never getting back together...
Definitely post on this forum... and read other peoples' NC diaries and breakup stories. I felt purely alone in my situation until I started to read other peoples' situations. We're all here for you!!!
Also, feel free to send me a private message if you want to rant in-depth at someone. I don't know your full situation, but it sounds very similar to mine, so I'd love to help you through the NC.
In the words of the Canadian TV star Red Green: "Remember, we're pullin for ya... we're all in this together."
Posted 6 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 6 months ago daisybo said:
He has made it quite clear we are never getting back together, although we split very quickly after 5 years.People say things they don't really mean, especially in emotionally charged situations.
Don't focus on his words...focus on your evolution...one day at a time, OK?
Posted 6 months ago #-
Heidi
offlineMemberHi again Daisy,
Take the time to focus on you. At this point in time this chap doesn't deserve all your energies being focused on him or what he is up to. Taking the space to be yourself for a bit can be a smidge of an eye opener.
It is so hard not to obsess about whether he may be with someone else ( I know I fall into that position several times a day). But it doesn't help your heart, and you need to let your head rule the situation for a while.
As mentioned above - if you need a friendly ear pm me
xxWhen did life get so complicated??Posted 6 months ago # -
daisybo
offlineMemberThanks guys, we split 2 months ago now and I can't help feeling i should have moved on... i have stopped all my desperate behaviour although i am embarrassed at some of my past actions! I am actually coping really well living on my own, I enjoy it most of the time. Have ploughed my efforts into myself (lost 2 stone since the split) and into my dog and my horse. Nice to have the time to do what i want without worrying about keeping someone else happy. But i do miss him, some days desperately! Trying to keep off teh booze as hangovers make me really low, just want a cuddle! Had a couple of romantic encounters but i just dont feel anything for anyone else. Def getting more control over my emotions, especially when i met him i was really calm and friendly but didnt give too much away. Going to work to get to the point where i am totally in control, i still feel very jealous and upset at the mention of the OW, even though i dont know if anything has developed there. i am concerned that too much time has elapsed since the split and that he will just be grateful i have stopped contacting him but i believe the theories behind this method and am committed to giving it a go!
Posted 6 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 6 months ago -
daisybo
offlineMemberThanks Heidi, I know what you mean, i have always been the type to get hung up on love. That is why i have decided to take positive action this time for myself and try to use the shit situation to improve myself. Otherwise nothing comes out of it apart from the pain and i am teh type of person who quite easily destroy myself over this. Glad i have come across this board, nice to have some company!
Posted 6 months ago # -
daisybo
offlineMemberWell today is 7 days since started NC. I feel better already, still think about him quite a bit but not as hung up on whether he comes back or not. I want him to, and want him to be missing me, but I am doing just fine on my own and if he doesnt then i will continue to be fine. Realised that keeping busy and concnetrating on myself makes a huge difference, spending lots of time with friends catching up and with my animals who have been very demanding and accident prone this week! I did feel that i was at the limit of what i could cope with on weds, everything was going wrong...but i did and my attitude is now "bring it on!!!".
am seriously worried about NC failing as we have the house to sort out, i am delaying things on that side as he simply does not deserve the settlement he is requesting-house has no value! but i am trying to avoid an aggressive stand off over it as dont want to ruin chances of future reconciliation. he has given me til end of the month to sort it (like i can magic a solution!) so know he will get in otuch then. tough one, any advice welcome! dont want the house to become a huge issue that means we can never reconnect if you know what i mean.
Posted 6 months ago # -
daisybo said:
am seriously worried about NC failing as we have the house to sort out, i am delaying things on that side as he simply does not deserve the settlement he is requesting-house has no value! but i am trying to avoid an aggressive stand off over it as dont want to ruin chances of future reconciliation. he has given me til end of the month to sort it (like i can magic a solution!) so know he will get in otuch then. tough one, any advice welcome! dont want the house to become a huge issue that means we can never reconnect if you know what i mean.I wouldn't worry about kissing his ass...work out a deal that is "fair" to both of you.
Do you have a lawyer or mediator to help you?
Do your best to keep this professional, and not personal, OK?
Posted 6 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 6 months ago daisybo
offlineMemberthat is the problem, i am a lawyer!! he is trying to get far more than he is entitled to, but refuses to listen that he is entitled to much less! i can keep it professional but that will mean he wont be happy at all with the outcome. i was being really soft as hoped it wouldnt get this far. think best thing is maybe to try and stall it for a while but that may make him mad and more determined to cut ties with me?
Posted 6 months ago #-
daisybo said:
i can keep it professional but that will mean he wont be happy at all with the outcome. i was being really soft as hoped it wouldnt get this far.And how has that worked out so far?
Giving him more than he is entitled too won't make him want you back...fair is fair, right?
daisybo said:
think best thing is maybe to try and stall it for a while but that may make him mad and more determined to cut ties with me?Yeah putting it off won't help things at this point...he wants his money.
To me being fair is the only way to go, and he will respect you down the road for not giving in.
If he doesn't then he is a very selfish person, and needs to really consider changing his attitude.
Bottom line...I don't think giving in to him is the answer to your relationship problems.
Posted 6 months ago # -
daisybo
offlineMemberOk i know that he will contact me at the end of the month regarding the house as that is the deadline he decided to set. I was thinking of dropping him an email updating him, what do you think? I dont want to talk about personal stuff, just to keep him up to date on house and stop him getting mad thinking i am stalling.
Posted 6 months ago # -
daisybo
offlineMembersent it, just kept it to the point and no mention of anything else, just how things progressing with the house. think the tantrums may start when he realises he won't be getting any money immediately but these things take time to sort and he needs to realise that. i am being a wimp today, feel like i need my hand holding! worried he has forgotten about me and moved on. glad sent the email as also feel in control regarding that now, i dont need or expect a response but i knew otherwise that he would ocntact me soon about it, and would probably be frustrated.
Posted 6 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 6 months ago daisybo
offlineMemberwell after 16 days of no contact my ex turned up on my doorstep on sunday morning. i had been to a party the night before and had a great time, when he arrived my friend was waiting outside the house to be picked up and another friend was upstairs asleep. i think he came so early to check if there was a guy there!
so i answered the door and was shocked to see him, just said i wasnt expecting him and he was so angry! he just went "AND?" and said he had come for his post. i gave him his post, was pleasant and he asked some stuff about the house and then said he had changed his phone number as i had said i wanted no contact! i just said that's fine and he drove off really fast in a strop.
it doesnt end there! i then went to sort my horse out and was laughing with 2 friends in my stable doing my mucking out and he turns up saying he wants to talk to me. I said that was fine what did he want. we discussed some stuff about financial side of things (we were not agreeing as he is being ridiculous) and he drove off again in a temper. he sai dthat he had emailed me, but i have not received any emails from him. not sure whether to send him an email saying still not received them and there must be something wrong? wheni got home there was a note on the door saying he had come back to talk to me but that i was not in.
i dont really know what to think, he is only in touch with me to sort financial stuff. but he turned upo in such a temper it was strange! he was also dressed really nicely like he had made an effort. i think it def got to him that i amhaving fun and look to have moved on and i nearly laughed when he said about his phone number. just glad i kept my composure at all times and that i was in control and was also looking good as have lost weight and was dressed well. haha i noticed him keep looking at my chest!!! it does seem that he is dealing with everyhting less well than i am now, but not sure if he actually wants anything to do with me.
Posted 6 months ago #-
Pegasus
offlineMemberIMHO....usually when a man is being financially driven and agressively so...either he is an asshole....or you are getting to him emotionally and the only thing he can retaliate with is the financial side of things. Sounds like aggressive sour grapes to me.
Daisybo.....does he have a lawyer ? Cause dealing with someone in that state who knows half of nothing that he is talking about will just add fuel to the fire. I know....I have an ex husband who sounds JUST like your man. Tell him to get a lawyer...I am sure at some stage he will need one anyhow.
If he cant be fair financially....sorry....but I don't have much faith in him being fair emotionally. You sure you want him back??????????
Posted 6 months ago # -
daisybo
offlineMemberI have told him to get a lawyer, i dont think he is actually meaning to be an asshole...he wants what he thinks is fair that he put in-he is not taking into consideration that the house now has no equity in it. i also know that he has made a mess of his finacnes, and i think he is desperate for money. In an ideal world he could just have back what he put in but there is no value in the house now. he doesnt seem able to see this, just what he thinks is "fair". It was all just so strange, think he realised he had acted like an idiot at the house so that was why he came to see me again but he doesnt seem able to talk rationally at the moment.
Posted 6 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 6 months ago Pegasus
offlineMemberYeah, Daisybo...I get that he mite have all that going on and its not "fair". BUT thats the way the cookie crumbles. Its not your fault house has devalued. So why is he taking it out on YOU? You know DB don't let him make you his scapegoat for his financial shit. Don't keep making excuses for his behaviour. You sound like you have been reasonable.
I am soooo sure he is reacting to your control as well. BUT a man's true character is measured by his actions during the hard times. Take note of his.
Posted 6 months ago #-
daisybo
offlineMemberI am soooo sure he is reacting to your control as well. BUT a man's true character is measured by his actions during the hard times. Take note of his.
ummm....well he certainly is not behaving like the man i knew and loved for 5 years at the moment. But i do think he is struggling with everything and he is quite immature. Doesn't help that he has blocked out his friends to disappear and hide from everything that has happened. I am lucky enough to have a great support network of people who have dragged me through this and supported me the whole way. And I am actually enjoying myself again which is amazing, at one point I thought I never would, I just miss him loads sometimes and feel like he is missing out on all these great things happening in my life and our friends lives.
Posted 6 months ago # -
daisybo said:
Has anyone else experienced their ex being very angry at the fact that they have taken control? It does seem that his reaction has been to change his number in response to try to get control back. All very strange behaviour.Nobody likes having things taken away from them...do they?
It is funny to watch how people will struggle to do things the hard way, rather than admit their faults, and learn from them...pride is a thorn in the side of progress...anywhere.
Life gives you nothing...you have to get the courage to take it yourself.
Posted 5 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 5 months ago -
daisybo said:
SW I am sure you speak in riddles sometimes!! You certainly have a way with words but sometimes you lose me! Who needs the courage, me or him?!OK, let me break it down for you...
Anyone who wants to change their lives...has to do it themselves, and that takes courage.
People are always wanting things to change, and then when you give them a plan..they complain, find reasons not to follow it.
Bottom line people are afraid of change, yet they want it...so WTF does it take to over come fear?
Courage.
He needs some to speak his mind (about your relationship) one way or the other, and you need some to look past this guy, and go get a life with or without him.
Does that make more sense now?
Posted 5 months ago # -
daisybo
offlineMemberhaha yeah that makes sense! i am actually starting to have loads of fun, but i like it i can discuss stuff on here that worries me, and the support is great, and def helping me build courage! And i am sticking to the plan, which is doing wonders for my state of mind, although it seems to have thrown him into the dark! thanks for the response SW.
Posted 5 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 5 months ago daisybo
offlineMemberOK i need talking down, 21 days NC apart from him coming for his post and stuck all conversation just to financial stuff. I am missing him real bad today, I don't know why as I have been feeling great. Been told he is completely miserable and I have such a strong urge to reach out to him. But i well know it may push him even further away. Suppose just being impatient and have to leave him to it. No intention of not following the plan, just really struggling today.
Posted 5 months ago #-
daisybo
offlineMemberHad a few hard days where I have really wanted to speak to the ex...but I know it is not the right time yet. 25 days NC today, never thought I would make it this far!! Feeling strong and positive, I am fine on my own and getting more out of life than I have done for years! To everyone who has only broken up very recently, it is going to start feeling better soon, the pain does ease. I am hearing that my ex is very shocked at how well I am coping and moving on, but not heard anything from him as yet.
Posted 5 months ago # -
applesauce
offlineMemberYou're doing really well!!! Keep going. I went through a really tough few days around the 3 week mark too (check out my NC diary). I think it's natural as it's the point you realise they aren't just on holiday any more and you start to realise that they really aren't part of your day to day life anymore. Once you get through these tough days you'll be into the best part of evolution. It's a bit like being on a diet. The first week is so tough and you crave them, the second week is easier as you;re proud of yourself for getting through a week and you see results. The third week your resolve dips a bit...and then people start complimenting you on how good you look so it all seems worthwhile!
Posted 5 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 5 months ago Pegasus
offlineMemberYeah daisybo, hang in there....you have done so well. You have the added strain of dealing with him becuase of the financial side of things. Give yourself some credit. Keep having fun, it will help you find yourself again.
Funny apple....I recall around the third week, someone asked me if I was in love?....LOL! Well I guess I was.....falling back in love with myself....LOL! How corny does that sound!!
Daisy keep blooming!
Posted 5 months ago #-
daisybo
offlineMemberThanks guys, it really is true. The time I have spent catching up with old friends, making new ones, spoiling my family and animals has made me really happy. And my confidence is growing, it was so low after the break up and now i realise i had lost a lot before the split. Feels good. Got a job interview next week, thinking may need a change there too-down to the final 4 so that has also boosted me, even if i dont get it!
Posted 5 months ago # -
daisybo
offlineMemberSo i am thinking of sending him an email (as i no longer have his number)telling him about this show that is coming up that i think he will enjoy and asking him if he wants to meet up for a catch up next fri. That will be 35 days after NC initiated. I do feel ready to take the next step, what does everyone think?
Posted 5 months ago # -
Pegasus
offlineMemberPlan sounds good. Is there no way you can get his number?? Or is that like stalkerish?
I know you say you are ready....do you think he is? I am only saying that cause not so long ago he was acting quite aggressive (granted about the finances). Do you think a bit more time mite do him good?Is there something in the back of your mind that maybe pushing this forward a bit such as finalizing settlement for the house? Do you maybe want to reconnect b4 all that goes thru. Sometimes we convince ourselves we are ready, because we think we are gonna miss the bus....
if you really truly think you are ready, then the plan sounds good to me.
Good luck!!!!! x
Posted 5 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 5 months ago daisybo
offlineMemberIt would be completely stalkerish!!!! That is what I am worried about exactly-I dont know if he is ready. I actually saw him last night, he passed me on his motorbike. I didnt realise it was him until the last minute, and i looked at him and he started showing off warming up his bike as we passed. there wasnt time for me to register and wave. The house is nowhwere near sorted, that could be a problem in itself but there isnt much i can do at the moment about that. i dont know what he is thinking it would be useful! i just think he really would be too proud to get in touch with me, yet i do have this feeling he would like to-i may be completely wrong! haha maybe intuition, or perhaps just denial!!!
Posted 5 months ago #-
daisybo
offlineMemberWell i had to send a reconnection email as no phone number...i dont really like doing it by email but no choice! asked him if he wants to meet up for a quick catch up, so will see if he responds. He hates not having control and seems to lack courage so i have a feeling he will wait a while to reply.
Posted 5 months ago #
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