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Inspirational Articles and Stories
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Posted 4 months ago Hi forum members,
I figured since we are starting to get a lot of members sharing articles, and stories they have found that we need a topic for all of them.
So if you spot a good story or article in another post on our forum...PM me so I can move it here, or you can copy/paste it yourself (just watch for duplicates, OK?).
Just quote the whole article, and then copy everything in the Post box, and paste it into the post box under the new topic (see first post below).
From now on I ask everyone to post their new articles, and stories under this one topic so it is easy for every member to find them in their time of need...make sense?
Keep the stories coming...they really are a big help, and I appreciate your support of our forum.
Thanks!
Posted 4 months ago #-
chrei23 said:
Hi all! I thought of sharing this article too:Feeling Distance
___________________If anything will work at all it is to let go. Not let go and sit home and suffer, but let go and go have a blast every day. This may sound impossible. But if your love is strong enough, if your goal of winning them back is compelling enough; you can do anything you have to do. Letting go and having a blast strengthens your position several ways.
1. It surprises them. They have taken your suffering for granted. They assume it. That's the person they're dumping. Who the hell is this person having so much fun? Curiosity is compelling. You get happy and relaxed with this and it hits them like a bucket of cold water that they don't know you quite as well as they thought they did.
2. We're all sexier and more attractive when we're having a blast than when we're depressed. It's far more compelling than making them responsible for our happiness.
3. When they see beyond a shadow of a doubt you're no longer chasing after their affection they can quit running and make their decision based on what they want instead of the chase they're running from.
4. We often take each other for granted. Part of the reason you've stopped taking them for granted right now is they've pulled back. The water in the well really is running dry. If your love will come back it will be after "they" realize all that's missing from life without you. They can't know what that is till you've pulled back as well.Impatience is your enemy. It compels you to take action out of fear and we know that causes more mistakes and bigger mistakes. Generally impatience cannot be just pressed down, it creeps out and peeps out when you least expect it. Impatience is just that little voice inside your head that tells you, you can't be happy until you know your love is glad to be back. There's only one thing that really squashes impatience - making yourself go have so much fun every day that your brain has to go, "well, duuuuh, guess I can be happy right now and continue taking strategic actions towards my goal." A former Boss of mine had a standard rule for submitting loan applications, "Don't hurry up to get a turn down." If it's important, you must focus more on getting it right than doing it in a hurry.
I promise you , you're far more likely to win them back the more you enjoy this process and the less you suffer it. If you think that's impossible, think again. The most successful people on earth choose to enjoy challenges rather than be swamped by them. You must only make a decision now whether or not this goal is important enough for you to use your head or unimportant enough for you to allow your compulsions to defeat you. It's up to you.
I've seen this advice bring couples back together after restraining orders have been issued and clients have been arrested for breaking them. I don't guarantee it to work everytime and it works better than anything else. And if it doesn't work to win them back, in the process you've been strengthened and prepared to let go for good far more comfortably than you are right now.
Your fear is that if you let go you'll lose them. In fact you're more likely to lose them if you don't.
For some there is the added problem of your love thinking they're in love with someone else. That's about as hard a romantic bump in life as there is. You hate your rival. And yet, many times I've seen the other person be the key that puts your relationship back together. HOW??? Simple, while you've got alarm clocks going off like crazy the one you love is in the flush of infatuation. Infatuation is not love. Looks like it, feels like it, but it isn't love. Love is when you look at someone and say "I know all their faults and even if they never change a thing - I love them enough to stay." A person who's infatuated isn't qualified to make that statement. Not that it stops them or stops them from believing it. It's just good to know.
When you utilize your alarm clocks and make yourself have so much fun you can be patient.... now they have time alone with the new Mr. or Miss wonderful. Infatuation moves into the stage of disillusionment. They wonder what they saw in the new one in the first place. If at the same time they see you're not chasing them they can far more easily find themselves thinking "Why the new one isn't as good as the other one, am I being an idiot here or what?"
One girl told me, "But I can't have fun while I'm picturing them together!" Good point. Quit picturing things that hurt. Have three things you love to think about and three things you love to do in mind and handy at all times. When the picture starts, treat it like an alarm clock telling you to "Right now this very minute, think and do something else fun!" The first few times will be a little difficult, after that it's easier.
Finally, last but not least ask yourself these hard questions. Do I really love this person? Really? Do I love them enough to let them go? Do I love them enough to let go and have fun today and tomorrow and the days after that? Or is my love so selfish that I can only be happy if they're here serving my emotional needs no matter how much they may not want to right now?
Feeling like you're losing someone you love can be rough. It demands hard questions be answered. Serious decisions must be made. You're stronger than you realize. You can do whatever you need do to make your life healthier and happier if you choose to. Give it some thought, time and prayer and then choose.
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I felt inspired reading this, hope you all as well.Posted 4 months ago # -
daisybo said:
Read some of this and found it inspiring, hope others can take comfort from it too.....backs up NC all the wayThe Rules to Regaining Your Lost Love
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The Rules to Regaining Your Lost Love
When reading these rules , you definitely will think that these 20 rules will drive your Lost Mate even farther away ...but, if ever you feel you just can't agree with them then ask yourself, 'is what I'm doing now working?' Aha! I may have a point, then - right?! If what you are doing now isn't working, then why do you want to keep doing it? Why do you keep banging your head against the wall?
Here are 20 Rules for Reclaiming your Lost Mate:
Always agree with your Lost Mate, no matter what. Translation: "Yes, you are right. My mother is a tub of brainless lard."
Date again. Even if you have to hire a date from an escort service! Date again whether, or not, you have absolutely any desire of ever being with another person ever again!
Want out of the relationship, too. If your Lost Mate wants a divorce, say, 'Yes. I agree with you. As much as I'd like our marriage to work out, I can see that it will not. I'll get in contact with my lawyer tomorrow."
Always keep a cheery, calm, soothing voice, and an air of happy resignation about you. Translation: I am happy, too, to get this over with and move on with my life. In fact, I'm looking forward to it.
Get outside interests and hobbies. Make new friends. Establish your individualism and your uniqueness - separate from that of your Lost Mate.
Never, ever chase after your Lost Mate, or plead and beg with your Lost Mate to reconsider. Never, ever promise your Lost Mate that you will change, or that you have changed. This never works. It just chases your Lost Mate even farther away. Stop chasing, and start moving in the opposite direction. But always do this in a friendly, nice, and cheery way. Again, never disagree with them, as disagreeing with them attacks their pride and forces them to naturally take a stand against you, in order to protect and defend themselves.
Never tell your Lost Mate that you love them, especially as a bargaining (begging) tool to try to win them back. If they ask you if you love them answer truthfully, but never, ever offer those words unsolicited.
Be mysterious, even secretive, with your 'new' life. Be a creature unlike any other. Display self-confidence, self-assurance, and a 'who needs you' attitude. But remember, even though you love yourself immensely you can still be congenial, agreeable, and cheerful!
Go to parties, social events, dances, etc. even if you don't feel like it. Make it look like you are avidly eager to 'get on with your new singlehood'.
Consider placing a singles ad, or placing a love profile, with a matchmaking service.
Never call them - and if they call you, keep the conversation brief, limiting it to about eight-minutes max. Always be the first to end the conversation. Be polite and friendly. Rarely, if ever, return their calls. After all, you are just soooo busy with your new life!
Buyer beware! Seriously take a look at your Lost Mate. Examine their issues, their quirks, their flaws, their faults. Observe them in their daily routines. Take off your blinders! Is this someone you really want to be with, or is this simply someone you feel the urgent 'need' to be with? Remember, our desires can create in us a false sense of urgency. We don't 'need' anybody! A simple fact!
Be too busy to keep customary dates. For instance, if you and your Lost Mate usually meet for lunch on Tuesday afternoons, be 'just too busy to make this Tuesday's luncheon date'.
Be humble and agree with your Lost Mate's personal attacks on you. Never attempt to defend yourself. Translation: If your Lost Mate says that you were a lying cheat, agree with them. "Yes, you're right. I was a lying cheat. That must have hurt you a lot. Why I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. I'm such a cad." This actually makes your mate take your side and defend you, or your actions. Kewl, huh?
Stop believing you need them. You don't need anybody, and, indeed, the more you believe you need somebody the less likely you are to have them. Love is nice, relationships are nice, but they're not essential. You don't have to have them. The more you feel you need something, the more likely you are to radiate an air of anxiety, and panic - and the more likely you are to slip and attack your Lost Mate's pride, because the more you feel you need something the more you feel that the object of your need has stripped you of your very own pride. Need strips us of our pride. Your goal is to emit an air of peace and happiness with your current singlehood.
Stop working toward saving your relationship and start working toward getting a new life.
Play hard to get. People love challenges, they love the hunt, they want something that they cannot have. Fact! Don't be so readily available. Give them something to work at, give them the thrill of the chase. Often, people love the chase, but become bored once the chase is over. Boredom can masks itself as lack of love, or caring. They actually believe that they have fallen out of love, or just can't love the other like they think the other deserves to be loved. But, in reality, they are just plain bored to death with the relationship!
Make plans to move out. Look for a studio apartment, shop for furniture, etc. Play the game all the way.
Get a life! Make your life better than ever. Change things about you that you didn't like. Try new things, develop new interests. Climb mountains, join a gym, take dance lessons, join a pool tournament. Get out there and have fun, experience all the adventures that you have been missing by being in a relationship. Live!
Last, but not least. Keep doing these above rules, even when it looks like you're not getting anywhere. Never waverPosted 4 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 4 months ago daisybo said:
more food for thought--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WE all have the desire to be loved, to be wanted, to be approved of, and to be agreed with. But that's all it is - a desire. We don't need to be loved, wanted, approved of, or agreed with. And we all have the desire to be with our loved ones, to make them happy, to feel them in our arms. But, that too, is just a desire, we really don't need to be with them, to make them happy, to feel them. It's just a desire. We actually turn people away by our believing we need them. We devalue ourselves, taking away our credibility, our individualism, and our own sense of self-esteem. We strip ourselves of our dignity. We lose our attractiveness. The more you need someone, the less likely they will want to be there for you. You become 'work, an 'obligation', or a 'chore'. In fact, they will run just as fast and just as far away from you as they can! They will feel like they are being pulled apart, drained, suffocated, controlled, zapped, consumed. They will never, ever be free to feel their love for you because they will be in a constant 'pulling away' mode. You actually turn someone against you when you 'need' them. For instance, let's say you have an aging parent who is a convalescent. They need you. You must take care of them around the clock, care for them, clean up after them. Feed them. They are so needy and dependent on you for everything, for without you they are totally helpless. So, here you are, trying to take care of your own life, and taking care of their's, too. Now, of course you love your aging parent, but - in all honesty - they are sucking the life out of you. Their constant neediness is wearing you thin, draining you, and you may feel an urgent desire to just get away from them for awhile. See? Although you love them, you are feeling drained by them and not free to feel your love willingly and without suffocating obligation.
You can win someone's heart back when you realize you don't need them. It's just a desire. Like a preference for pineapple topping over hot fudge. If the relationship doesn't work out, it's okay with you. Sure, you desired it to work out - sure, you may mourn for the loss of it. But you really don't need it, and indeed, you never did.
When you realize and understand that you don't need someone or something, you begin to relax a little bit more around them. You lose all that anxiety that you were displaying, and replace it with a more fun-loving, and easy-going nature. Nothing will make somebody want you more than a constant - and genuine - relaxed smile on your face. They can sense your new-found self-fulfillment, lightness, and even some 'apathy' from you, and that makes you very desirable to them. In a sense, when you stop desperately clinging to them as a life support, they can now feel safe to return to you. And your apathy drives them crazy! Now, it's their turn to chase you. But, it doesn't really matter, because you don't need them anymore - so let them chase away!
Posted 4 months ago #-
daisybo said:
When we feel comfortable with letting go, and when we start avidly and trustingly, looking forward to our new life, we stop the clinging neediness that is making our mates withdraw from us. We seek to make our own life, to bring our own sun up in our morning, and we literally reek with self-confidence, self-assurance, and happy, healthy attitudes. What could possibly be more attractive on a person!When you display these qualities it makes others feel safe around you. They don't feel like they are responsible for bringing the sun up in your morning. They trust that you don't need them, that you are somebody without them, and this draws them to you like a magnet. They can feel safe in returning to you, because they lose nothing by doing so. In fact, they may be drawn to you simply because they have so much to gain. They are attracted to your natural smile, your charismatic attitude, your total display of self-confidence. They can relax and feel safe around you, free to feel their love without the pressure of having to, they can now allow their loving emotions toward you to surface without feeling like their love is being stolen from them, or demanded of them.
By being willing to lose your partner you are saying, "I love you, but I love myself more and I am confident that I will be fine without you." In other words, they are comforted and no longer feel pressured. They feel safe around you. They can return to you, free to feel their love for you. Free from the pressure of having to. You are, now, far more lovable and attractive than you have ever been before!
Posted 4 months ago # -
daisybo said:
Here is some more food for thought that I found......"You can feel them pulling away. You can see it. They may have even said it straight out, "I'm leaving you." Often this sets off a number of emotional alarm clocks at their highest volume and intensity. Few times in life is it easier to panic. Few times in life is it more important you don't.
It feels like a disaster doesn't it? Well you've watched disaster movies. You know how it goes. The ones who panic die off early in the movie. They are small part actors and you never remember their names. The one's who keep their heads in the crisis tend to walk out of the flaming building with the other most attractive character on their arm. If you want to win them back you must make a decision now to either panic and most likely lose your goal before you get close to it or to get in your brain, utilize your anxiety, depression, anger, and loneliness. And while you're at it don't forget to utilize rather than suffer all that pain you've been given.
Chances are you're getting a lot of conflicting advice from folks. It all boils down to fish or cut bait. The advice I give to win a love back starts with the same advice as for letting go.Let go.
Romance, love, sex, it's always a dance. It's all back and forward, back and forward. When your love pulls back, then back again and you are still moving forward, it's no longer a dance, it's a chase. And what do people do when we chase after their affection? They run.
I imagine your love is prepared for the chase to continue, and if I'm right it makes them feel guilty. How often does guilt buy love and attraction? Not often. I've never seen it. Have you?
If anything will work at all it is to let go. Not let go and sit home and suffer, but let go and go have a blast every day. This may sound impossible. But if your love is strong enough, if your goal of winning them back is compelling enough; you can do anything you have to do. Letting go and having a blast strengthens your position several ways.
It surprises them. They have taken your suffering for granted. They assume it. That's the person they're dumping. Who the hell is this person having so much fun? Curiosity is compelling. You get happy and relaxed with this and it hits them like a bucket of cold water that they don't know you quite as well as they thought they did.
We're all sexier and more attractive when we're having a blast than when we're depressed. It's far more compelling than making them responsible for our happiness.
When they see beyond a shadow of a doubt you're no longer chasing after their affection they can quit running and make their decision based on what they want instead of the chase they're running from.
We often take each other for granted. Part of the reason you've stopped taking them for granted right now is they've pulled back. The water in the well really is running dry. If your love will come back it will be after "they" realize all that's missing from life without you. They can't know what that is till you've pulled back as well.
Impatience is your enemy. It compells you to take action out of fear and we know that causes more mistakes and bigger mistakes. Generally impatience cannot be just pressed down, it creeps out and peeps out when you least expect it. Impatience is just that little voice inside your head that tells you, you can't be happy until you know your love is glad to be back. There's only one thing that really squashes impatience - making yourself go have so much fun every day that your brain has to go, "well, duuuuh, guess I can be happy right now and continue taking strategic actions towards my goal." A former Boss of mine had a standard rule for submitting loan applications, "Don't hurry up to get a turn down." If it's important, you must focus more on getting it right than doing it in a hurry.I promise you , you're far more likely to win them back the more you enjoy this process and the less you suffer it. If you think that's impossible, think again. The most successful people on earth choose to enjoy challenges rather than be swamped by them. You must only make a decision now whether or not this goal is important enough for you to use your head or unimportant enough for you to allow your compulsions to defeat you. It's up to you.
I've seen this advice bring couples back together after restraining orders have been issued and clients have been arrested for breaking them. I don't guarantee it to work everytime and it works better than anything else. And if it doesn't work to win them back, in the process you've been strengthened and prepared to let go for good far more comfortably than you are right now.
Your fear is that if you let go you'll lose them. In fact you're more likely to lose them if you don't.
Posted 4 months ago # -
daisybo said:
Strip your mate of their pride, and you strip them of their soul.
You have to let go of something, before you can get it.
You have to stop needing something, in order for it to be freely given to you.
If you live in a constant state of self-protection, you always will be alone.
If you hold prisoner a life it's only desire is to get free. The harder you hold, the more they need to flee.
Did you know that, contrary to popular belief, you can change other people - simply by changing yourself.
How we treat another is a cycle of how we feel they treat us. This can be good, or bad, depending solely on ourselves and our efforts of communication. Also, this works both ways - how they treat us is how they feel we treat them. Do unto others...
You are the only one that can save your relationship. It is not up to your spouse/mate to change their mind or decision, it is up to you to change yours.
When you are on the begging end of a relationship, you are putting your partner in the driver's seat. You can gain back the driver's seat and steer your relationship in a better direction by getting out of drive and putting your efforts in reverse.
When another person opposes you they may do one of four things (in this order): They resist, attack, withdraw, or flee. Rarely, if ever, do they happily, or willingly, surrender.
You can save your relationship, and stop your breakup, but first you have to stop resisting the breakup.
Without even knowing it, by working at our relationships we actually do more harm than good.
It only takes one partner to save the relationship.
You need to stop your resistance to things in your life that you have no control over. Learn the peaceful release that comes with acceptance and letting go. Release your upsets and fears and give them back to themselves, and you gain control. Hold onto them and resist them and you lose control.
When you repeatedly try to change someone, they actually shut down and stop responding to you. They resist our efforts, either by staying and fighting our controlling actions, or by taking flight and leaving us. Eventually they lose all desire to stay and completely shut down from us and the relationship.
Our pain and hurt is not caused by other people, or uncomfortable situations. Pain and hurt in our lives is caused by our own resistance to accepting situations, certain experiences, or unwanted occurrences. The minute we stop fighting and resisting the event we take our pain away.
You can not stop a divorce, or a breakup, unless and until you let go of resisting it, and learn to accept it. Realize that you will be okay, no matter what. And you will!
The moment you let go of something you actually gain control over it.
Letting go is actually the greatest weapon we have. We can overpower and overcome just about anything and anyone simply by letting go of them.
We naturally fear losing anything that is important to our lives, be that of our mates, our jobs, our home, our possessions, or our friends. The more we fear losing them the more we resist, holding on even tighter. We can become manipulative, challenging, controlling, threatening, helpless, promising, clinging, pleading, proposing, conniving, over-bearing, weepy, sappy, panicky, submissive, etc. The more we try to use these forms of manipulation, the more we are likely to lose what we have. The more we let go of ownership over these things and stop our resistance to losing them - and the more we are willing and accepting of losing them - the more likely we are to keep them in our lives. The loss of something in our lives is not the end of the world. Remember, the most beautiful things in your life started out in a situation where you had to let go of something and venture into the unknown.
By accepting and being willing to the fact that you may lose your loved one, you stop your resistance and fear associated with it and trust that you will be okay. This, in turn, eliminates your need to have them in your life. And when you let go of someone you allow them to stop running from you. They naturally feel more comfortable around you and willingly return without fear. When you can fully admit your own role and mistakes, you gain back their support for you.
Letting go is in accepting that all loss hurts, but that you will be okay, no matter what. Avoiding painful situations by holding on only exaggerates and extends the amount of our pain.
Ask yourself, 'what is the worse that will happen?' You will lose your spouse? Well, no..not really - by accepting the fact that you never really have anyone but yourself, can you realize that only in losing yourself do you really suffer loss. And you can only lose yourself to someone else. Why would you want to do that? They already have a life, and if you hand your's over to them then they will have two lives and you won't have any!Acknowledging your fears is the key to letting them go. The more you fight and resist the breakup the more the inevitable conclusion that it will occur. However, by accepting that it might happen, by stopping your resistance to it, and by allowing the flood of emotions that occur..you are taking a major step toward stopping the breakup. You stop your breakup by actually being willing to let it happen, and by being okay with that outcome. The key to peace in letting go is by admitting that it's okay to lose.
Posted 4 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 4 months ago daisybo said:
Read this post on another forum...quite interesting I think...If the dumpee sticks around trying to be "friends" with the dumper, the rebound person has a much easier time of it. The rebound person doesn't have to be that emotionally supportive, because someone else is taking up the slack. A someone else who knows the dumper far better. This goes back and forth until the rebound learns enough to take over from the dumpee and that's when the dumpee is pushed out(or they find someone completely new).
Basically, if the ex is a long termer and the couple have gone past the honeymoon stage and are in the attachment stage, they are still in that attachment stage even with the split, especially if they were very close and the split wasn't an aggressive one. The dumpers are in the honeymoon stage with the rebound. The dumper gets the best of both worlds. Great deal for the rebound as well, as they get all the fun of a couple without the hassle. The dumpee get's to be a shoulder to cry on, sleepless nights and no sex. Not a good deal.
When people say they're torn between two lovers this is generally what they mean. They can be in love with both, but at different stages in the relationship. They're making one lover out of two essentially. They get the excitement of the new with the comfort of the old. This is why the "lets be friends" stuff happens. It's also one of the reasons why affairs in otherwise strong relationships can happen. You can be in love with two. the ideal is to stay with one through the attachment, but all too often people want the easy or more exiting option. Work is old fashioned.
You'll hear this quite plainly if you listen to the dumper. They say things like "you're my best friend/brother/sister etc" or "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". That's attachment. The basic reason they're not in love with you and are with the rebound? The fact is they are more sexually attracted to the rebound. They have more desire and excitement for the rebound. Simple as that. Now I know some will be saying that the split was because of their commitment issues/mother/friends/job/party phase/stress/distance etc etc etc. Yes they are some of the causes, but if the ex was still very sexually attracted to you and desired you on a basic level, they would stick around.
Find out the reason why you think that happened. Find out the causes and if they're in your power to fix them, then fix them as you're next relationship will probably founder for the same reasons. Most importantly do this for you.
Don't buy this? OK look around objectively at relationships you know that have had bigger stresses on them than yours. The ones where they're always fighting, breaking up, cheating, yet still stay together. Look at the women and men you know in what you see to be bad relationships that seem to have no future and are always up and down. The men you know with dense, needy, weird, bítches and the women you know with broke bad boy hairy bikers. Why? Beyond the obvious like bullying or possessive scenarios, they still have that sexual chemistry and attraction going on. Look at the early honeymoon part of your own relationships. You will take far more crap and outside stresses at that stage than later. You don't even notice the problems then. Usually the exact same problems that will usually split you up as a couple down the line.
I digressed... Back to the rebound/dumpee situation.
The dumpee is like a pair of comfortable slippers, the rebound is like a pair of expensive pumps. As I say, over time with the dumpees help, the rebound becomes like a pair of expensive pumps with more comfortable heels. OK very stretched out anology but you get my drift...
The rebound will generally fail in the long term because the dumper hasn't had enough time to get over the previous relationship. The faster the rebound happens and the faster the "I love you"'s are exchanged in the rebound, the faster the rebound fails. This is an advantage to the dumpee if they use it. They use it by letting the rebound do all the work. After all they are getting "paid" for it.
If you're a dumpee in this case and if you want your ex back. Which let's be honest this is what most here want. Do NC or very LC. I would go against some of the advice here and say if you are on good terms with the dumper, don't do cold NC. Don't just drop off the face of the earth. Yes the dumper may panic at the sudden loss, but the rebound is there to comfort them and take over. The longer the dumpee has been taking up the slack of the rebound, the more likely NC will have little effect. At least little effect in the way most here are truly looking for. It'll look like you're punishing them. It can also look petulant and childish. In this case the only way they'll come back is if the rebound dumps them or hurts them.
When you go NC, tell them and tell them in a nice way. Tell them that you both need to move on(that's the big point to make), wish them your love and all the best in their new relationship and actually move on. If they ask, "is this forever" or "do you think we can be friends in the future", point out you don't think that's such a good idea but you never know what the future may bring. Leave it at that. If they call and they will, sooner or later, keep the conversation short and sweet. Do not bring up the old relationship and if they bring up the new one, wish them luck. Mean it. If you don't want the best for her/him, you din't love them in the first place. You're just in selfish panic mode.
Do all the usual. Get fit, make yourself better, date others, get out, etc and actually move on.
If they do come back into your life down the line(and they will if you do this and there was a good connection in the past), then the new more attractive, more self sufficient you that doesn't need anyone, but may want to share your life with someone, will really get their minds and more importantly their hearts thinking. It'll also get their sexual side thinking too and that's what really split you up in the first place. The lack of neediness, added strength is a BIG plus point if you're a man. If a woman felt they left you as a boy and then she finds you as a man six months later, then you are in with more than a chance with her(and every other woman). This will also increase your mystery to her as it should come as a bit of a surprise to her. All good. Especially for you as a person. Men are more visual creatures in general, so if they see the ex and she's lost weight and looks sexier and more confident, he will think twice. Women are both visual and emotional, so even if you show up like Brad Pitt and are still the needy, weak, non committal boy they left, the most you can hope for is "ex sex".
Yes it's true that you can't make anyone fall in love with you, but you can increase the chances that they will. These chances are far higher in one way with an ex as they've already fallen in love with you before. Time apart and you acting like an adult, not being needy, getting physically fitter and more attractive will attract them or any other person far quicker.
It often boils down to this. Humans are attracted to what they can't have. They are really attracted to what they thought they had but now don't. That's one of the big reasons dumpees go into a panic when the split first happens. That's why dumpees forget about the dumpers bad points and concentrate on the good. If you want them back reverse that. Basic human nature.
I've seen this work time and time again(with men who have been dumped). Before anyone says this is playing games. It isn't. In any case we all play games and hide our true intent when we want to get someone new. We all have tactics for that. Put it this way, on your first date do you belch, scratch yourself, show up in old smelly clothes, with your hair in a mess or with no makeup? No you don't. You "play the game" of attraction. Same deal here, with the advantage that during this NC if you do it right, you're making yourself a better person for whomever you end up with.
Posted 4 months ago #-
daisybo said:
Found this quite interesting, certainly applies to me and my ex....wish I could send it to him!! Might open his eyes a bit.......think we were in between stages 3 and 4.Stage 1 – The Romance Stage
This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can’t get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other… mainly because you’re both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities – you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as “bad” in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can’t imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you’re in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that “head over heels in love” feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Bottom line – you are happier than you’ve ever been, and can’t imagine ever feeling any differently.
Stage 2 – The Disillusionment Stage
This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase. This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well. Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline. Your partner’s little habits aren’t quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you’re willing to overlook them. This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is. Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you’ve just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.
Stage 3 – The Power Struggle Stage
This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage. As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a “bad” thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can’t be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you’re unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it’s tempting to believe that your partner’s sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they’ll move on to….
Stage 4 – The Stability Stage
This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn’t perfect, but your personal differences aren’t quite as threatening as they used to be. You’re able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.
Stage 5 – The Commitment Stage
This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore… yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you’ve chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you’ve made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team. You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner's habits or character in this phase. You’ve collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want. You have discussed your future together - you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership.
Posted 4 months ago # -
bybe
offlineMemberAlthough the following can tend to over simplify and generalize these concepts... it is good reading:
The Three Stages of Intimacy
Adapted from Intimate Communion By David Deida.
How do you respond to the extreme expressions of Masculine and Feminine energy? Your response to the exaggerated play of sexual polarity can give you a clue to the stage of relationship for which you are most ready.
Imagine you happen to discover a videotape beneath a tree while taking a walk through the woods. Curious about it, you bring it home and pop it into your VCR. There on the screen are a naked man and woman having sex beneath the very tree under which you found the videotape. You feel strange about watching it. The woman makes a high-pitched screaming sound. The man pulls back her head by her hair, exposing her neck which he licks and kisses. The woman seems to be struggling--or is she writhing in ecstasy? Just then, your child walks into the room so you quickly turn off the TV and remove the videotape.
You think about what you have just witnessed for the rest of the day. Were you watching a videotaped rape, or a passionate couple at the peak of sexual rapture? That night, as you are lying in bed trying to sleep, images of the videotaped sex scene dance through your head.
Part of you may want to make love in such an abandoned and passionate fashion. Another part of you may be queasy, wondering if the "passion" was actually forced against the woman's will. Or was it just the couple's ravishing sexual play with one another? You decide to watch the rest of the tape in the morning and then either show it to your intimate partner in the hopes that it will evoke deeply passionate lovemaking between you, or show it to the police so they can get started on the case.
You wake up in the morning and as soon as you are alone in the house, you pop the videotape back into the VCR and turn on the TV.
The woman seems to be resisting, but it's hard to tell. Suddenly her back arches and a long moan slides from her throat. She begins to claw the man's back, her fingernails digging deeply into his skin and muscles, dragging and scratching their way down to his buttocks. He kisses her neck, her breasts, and her nipples, at first gently nipping and then biting. The videotape ends.
How you respond to this videotape depends on which stage of intimacy you are ready for.
THE THREE STYLES OF INTIMACY
By understanding your current style of intimate relationship, you can understand the next step you need to take. Which of the three styles is most like your current, or recent, relationship: Dependence, 50/50, or Intimate Communion? Each of these three styles is also a stage that you can grow through, if you are willing to be lovingly humorous about your own patterns in intimacy.
1. Dependence Relationship
"Men are men and women are women."
In the imaginary video, were you viewing a man and a woman in the abandoned throes of sexual ecstasy, or was the man subjugating, biting, and penetrating the woman against her will? In a Dependence Relationship, sex and power are often painfully mixed up; partners often confused some version of the master/slave relationship with real love. They are engaged in some kind of power play. In a Dependence Relationship, one partner often needs to feel in control while the other partner often gives up his or her authentic power in order to feel loved and accepted.
A Dependence Relationship involves partners who become dependent on each other for money, emotional support, parenting, or sex. Although the sex is sometimes good in this style of relationship (especially during the making-up period after a fight), partners often end up feeling limited by old-style gender roles or by an imbalance of financial or physical power. So they attempt to transition to the next style of relationship. To do so they learn to build personal boundaries and take care of themselves, rather than always catering to the needs of their partners.
2. 50/50 Relationship
"Safe boundaries and equal expectations for men and women."
Partners in a 50/50 Relationship want to feel safe, so the videotape might seem harsh and violent to them. On the surface, they might seem completely turned off and react as if any form of forceful and passionate sexual ravishment is an act of rape. Deep down, however, they might be wistfully turned on, reminded of the depth of sexual loving that may be missing from their safe but lukewarm love life.
The 50/50 Relationship is the "modern" style of relationship which is based on two independent people coming together and working out an equitable partnership. Each partner is expected to shoulder half the responsibilities, more or less, right down the middle. Each often has their own source of income, and together they negotiate a 50/50 plan to divide household duties, parenting, and financial obligations. To accomplish this, they attempt to strike their own inner balance between Masculine and Feminine qualities, both at home and at the workplace.
However, as many of us have discovered, there is a potential problem with this ideal of a 50/50 Relationship. We begin to lose our aliveness. Sexuality loses its passion. Our inner fire begins to fade. And we feel an incompleteness at our center. Why? Because many of us have a sexual essence that is naturally more Masculine or Feminine than it is equally balanced or Neutral. Thus, a side-effect of this effort toward 50/50 is the suppression or starvation of our naturally more Masculine or Feminine sexual essence.
For some of us, a cooperative partnership which emphasizes communication and shared responsibilities is sufficient. Others in this situation eventually suffer a feeling of incompleteness and develop a yearning to touch and be touched far more deeply and more passionately than a 50/50 Relationship often allows.
3. Intimate Communion
"I relax into oneness and spontaneously give my deepest gift."
If we have grown beyond a 50/50 Relationship, we are no longer cautious about giving our love to our intimate partner. At moments we might beg and whimper; at other moments we might aggressively ravish our partner in love. Still at other times our loving is serene and sweet. But whether shouting, screaming, pleading, pushing, pulling, biting, or hugging, we are gifting our partner with our uninhibited and free love, flowing directly from our sexual essence without fear or doubt.
If we have grown into the practice of Intimate Communion, the imaginary videotape does not pose a dilemma since we understand that the fundamental difference between rape and ravishment is simple: love. Is love the motive of every squeeze, shriek, and nibble, regardless of how forceful, aggressive, or passionate? Or is it a motive of need--the need for sex, the need for power, the need for control?
Most importantly, in the practice of Intimate Communion we learn that love is something you do, not something you fall into or out of. Love is something that you practice, like playing tennis or the violin, not something you happen to feel or not. If you are waiting to feel love, in passionate sex or safe conversation, you are making a mistake. Love is an action that you do--and when you do it, you feel it. When you are loving, others find you lovable. Love is an action you can practice.
Therefore, in Intimate Communion we learn to practice loving, even when we feel hurt, rejected, or resistant. First we practice love, and then our native sexual essence blooms, naturally, inevitably, because we are learning to give from our core, which includes the root of our sexuality.
Posted 4 months ago # -
Markatta
offlineMemberOn Patience...
Possibly the two of you believe you fell in love “at first sight”. Chemistry drew you together and the relationship was full of love, compassion, passion and all the other things that make love grand. Guess what? You did not break up on first “fight”. This dissolution (temporary) of your love life came about in a lengthy process. Your makeup, or reconciliation, will come about in this same manner. When you regain your love it will be at twentieth sight or thirty fifth sight…not first. This means that a plan must be developed to rekindle this romance and then followed. Your future is at stake here so don’t adopt the attitude that “I Want It Now” or you may not get it at all. There is an old saying that “those who act in haste will repent in leisure” so decide what you want, work towards that goal and when you succeed it will be a greater love relationship than before.
Passion is pain - don't want it. Love is not supposed to hurt.Posted 4 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 4 months ago dh
offlineMemberI am not religious at all, but I like to share this:
http://www2.northpointministries.org/player/player_large.jsp?occurrenceID=3951it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
--believe the best, fall in love and stay in love.Posted 4 months ago #-
bybe
offlineMembergrabbed this:
Re-defining essentials
What is essential? This month much of what we thought was truly essential for our survival, quality of life, personal success and happiness will be re-defined. Non-essential thoughts, habits, stuff, energy leaks, drama, reactions and anything that you inherited that was not specifically chosen by you should be scrutinized for its current value in your life. You cannot afford a heavy backpack full of non-essentials. You won't make it up the mountain. Take some time this month to look at your life in terms of essentials vs. non-essentials and continue to clear, clean, dissolve and let go of what no longer can support you in the future.
The non-essentials have more to do with your beliefs, attitudes and attachments than they have to do with your physical environment unless you truly are a slave to your physical stuff. Things like worry, obsession, regret, too much attachment to needing to know, judgment of self and others, addiction to drama are all non-essentials that should allowed to dissolve so their energy can be used for more productive and creative intentions. Your essentials should be all of those powerful aspects of yourself that no one can take away from you: your spiritual practices and inner life, your service, your imagination, your talents, your contribution, your essence, your positive outlook and attitude, and your creativity. Establishing a stronger relationship with these elements will serve as the basis for new platforms of stability.
from here
Posted 4 months ago # -
daisybo
offlineMemberThe Grass Is Greener Syndrome
(AKA; itchy feet, quarter life crisis, early-twenty-itus)I thought I would put together a thread here to provide some information on and a place to discuss this particular type of break up. I've had relationships end because of it along with a few of my friends. In addition, I've had friends be the ones stricken with this 'syndrome', so I've seen how it plays out from both sides. Hopefully, I can provide a little insight to help those of you going through this type of breakup. The more we understand something, the more comfortable with it we become and the less scary it seems.
In my opinion, outside of infidelity, this is one of the toughest types of breakups to go through. It seemingly comes out of nowhere, seems to have no rhyme or reason behind it, and it can strike even the best of couples. In your 'run of the mill' break up, there's usually an identifiable reason or set of reasons that led to the split, such as personality conflicts, fighting, different life goals, etc. These breakups are also difficult, but I've always found them a bit easier to cope with because you can identify a cause to the effect. Not so with the grass is greener syndrome. It's like going through a root canal even though your teeth are perfectly healthy.
This syndrome usually tends to fall on women within the age range of 20-25 (it happens to men, too, but seems to be less often). It usually happens in a long term relationship (maybe two or more years) when the couple is about to make a much larger commitment to each other, such as an engagement or marriage. It's as if the mixture between the person's young age and the thought of making such a huge commitment almost makes them want to go on the relationship equivalent of the Amish's Rumspringa.
Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:
Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.
Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.
An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.
Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.
Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.One of the biggest problems with these sorts of breakups is that the dumpee will be more likely to want to stick around in the dumpers life. Due to the dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend, the dumpee will make all sorts of excuses to stay around. They'll say things such as "She's just confused, so we're going to remain friends and see what happens". These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life.
The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.
Now for the good news. If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good. If the relationship was a good one, the dumper will find out eventually that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass and may even be a little worse than the pastures they left. However, that doesn't mean that a reconciliation will happen. Due to the hurtfulness of this type of breakup, the dumpee will most often refuse the offer for reconciliation when it eventually comes up (which can be months or over a year down the line). Since the breakup happened out of nowhere and for no real good reason, it can be difficult for most people to get the trust back in the relationship. The fear that they'll suddenly be dumped out of nowhere will hinder the relationship from developing into anything. This is why I said the "opportunity" for reconciliation is a lot higher and not that actual reconciliations are common for these types of breakups.
So, my heart goes out to all of you enduring this particular type of breakup. Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. No amount of picking your ex's brain will result in any sort of meaningful answers to the questions that plague you. Just remember that this is a phase and it doesn't last forever. So, as long as your ex is in this phase, all you can do is go about living your own life and making yourself a better person.
Posted 4 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 3 months ago dh
offlineMemberI wanted to share this : Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.htmlPosted 3 months ago #-
dh
offlineMemberhow to heal a broken heart in 30 days
Day 29: A World of New EncountersYou are finally learning to define yourself as just who you are, not as mate who is tied to another. when you can take joy in that fact, your future opportunists will of course become greater. As you heal and begin to look around once again, here's a checklist to help afford you some guidance. give all of these ideas time to take hold:
1. how do you feel? people can read a lack of self-confidence in your eyes. here's cruel fact: it's a turnoff. don't amble among strangers until you're easily able to step out with a smile and keep your head held high. if you project a sense of vulnerability, you may attract a rescuer. that someone may give you emotional support in exchange for your love. but beware, basing your dealings on this kind of dependency may stunt your emotional evolution.
2. how do you look? do you look your best? have you let yourself go? do you need to get back in shape or restyle your hair?
3. where do you look? how do you meet people? what kind of places make you feel comfortable about talking to strangers? do you have a list of places you can go with friends? do you use a dating services?
4. how are your social skills? were you once a good flirt? are you still? can you laugh easily and make other people laugh with you? do you see yourself as someone who you'd want to spend time with? or are you showing even the least little bit of desperation?
5. practice making new friends and acquaintances every day of the week. the best loves are often born of genuine friendships.
6.when you want to develop any relationships in depth, seek to meet your own emotional need first rather than satisfying the expressed expectation of others.
7. don't be a 'pleasure pig' stay away from high speed fantasy flings. don't simply seek the visceral thrill of making a conquest. if you keep falling and flailing your way into and out of what you may somehow call love, you'll end up running in circles rather than growing. recognize where your true satisfaction comes from and work patiently towards that end.
8. before you even consider falling in love with anyone again at some time in the future, get a sense of where they may take you. seek out their hearts and the beauty within them before you seek to do anything else.
9. look for love in a lot of new places and ways. perhaps the reason you've got a track record for hunting is that you've made the same mistakes with each new relationship. and just because someone responds to your overtures doesn't mean that they will be suitable for you. romance may be magic but its spells are by no means easy to master.
10. don't make any new lover pay for your old traumas. don't look for new love to cure your old ills. that's your job, not theirs.
11. learn how to cut your losses more quickly. keep your emotional bags packed and parked by the door, until you're absolutely sure this one's for you. if you do not have a good feeling about someone, move on quickly but as graciously as possible. otherwise, you'll pay the price of dealing with more pain.
12. don't show off the scars from you past relationships. new prospects may only conclude you're a professional victims and head for the hills.
13. take stock of who you are privately, when you're relaxed with your guard down. that's the real you, the person you should project when you are ready to openly pursue a compatible mate.
14. give people a chance, but don't ignore your instincts. be a good interior detective, especially regarding your own needs. acknowledge it early if there are ultimately going to be irreconcilable difference. even if the love seems strong at the time, these unresolved issues will eventually undermine that foundation.
go ahead. mix with the world. even if you're far from ready to fall back in love, just find new interactions that you genuinely enjoy.
take small, safe steps of a child if you must, in order to get yourself back out there again. meet new people by mixing in familiar groups and in casual circumstances at first. the small positive social steps you take can pay off in friendships almost immediately. you may someday choose to take romantic chances again, but only after getting your feet back on the ground. that's when you'll be able to make wiser choices.
the form your future happiness takes is completely up to you. you are the artist that will colour the rest of your life. give yourself the freedom you need to find your own beauty.
-- love, loss, injury and recovery are some of the most powerful teaching tools given to us by life's designers. embrace their cycle: renew your own meanings. now's the time to relieve your heart of the weight of your loss so you may once again rise to the healing powers of love. it surrounds you always.
Posted 3 months ago # -
daisybo
offlineMemberFound this somewhere else, useful though, think plenty of us going through this.....
What to do when they love you but aren't in love with you/lost the spark.
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So, you've just been dumped. He/She said the feeling is gone and say they love you but aren't in love with you or that they see you more as a brother or best friend. You are baffled, can't believe this. Last week, they said they loved you..Now they won't speak to you and just plain ignore you. Why are they doing this, why are they throwing away so many years of happiness? Why won't they fight for us, doesn't this mean anything do them? How can they just ignore me after so many years together?
Don't they care? Why are they begin so cruel?
The matter of fact is, off course they care. You were together for many years, you were a big part of their lives for several years. They won't just forget that. Most times, when they ignore you it's because there hurt too, there putting up a wall to protect themselves. The wall is also for your own good. What you need right now is time to let all the feelings sink in. You both need time alone, to process everything. I believe a minimum of 2, 3 months before you can talk again is required. They wanted a life without you so they can get it. They won't know what it's like to be without you if you keep contacting them. They won't miss you if you keep being in there lives. NC really is the best in the beginning!Why do they give up so easily, why didn't they fight for us?
Most times they did fight for the relationship. You don't lose the feeling in one day or a week. This is a process of months, it happens slowly but steadily.. I'm sure they tried to make it work but for some reasons couldn't give them self 100 %. They tried telling you that something was wrong, maybe not with words but look back and you will see there were plenty of warnings and signs things were not going as well as you like to remember.So, what's my next step?
You have to use the time apart to think, to evaluate the relationship. It's important you understand what went wrong. If they want to be friends and still contact you after the break-up, you have to ask them to not contact you for some time so you can process everything. Be friendly! When they say they love you but are not in love with you anymore, usually this means they aren't attracted to you anymore. They don't see you in a romantic way anymore. What's the difference between your best friend and your lover? The attraction, the passion.. If you lose that, than your just a friend. So the key issue here is to make yourself attractive again to your ex. You did it once, so you can do it again.
Think back to the beginning of the relationship, how where you different then than now?
Maybe you were very funny then, always making jokes and now you are constantly complaining about everything. Maybe you were very social and outgoing and now you rarely go out anymore. Maybe you were to busy working and neglected your personal life. I don't know, could be anything. That's for you to find out.. Be honest with your self.The point is, they wanted something and you couldn't give it to them. They weren't happy anymore. Most of the times it's because you changed in a bad version of your self. If this is the case then most likely your ex still has feelings for you but it's buried beneath all the problems.
So to get an ex back who has lost the feeling (or they think they have) you must become your old self again. Go back to the person they fell in love with. They didn't fell out of love with the real you but with the person you became. Improve your self! Be positive, think positive, act positive!Move on
Accept that it's over, don't hold a grudge against them. Forgive them. It's important that you move on! By moving on I mean you have to be in a state of mind where you don't care if you get them back or not. Off course you want them back but if it doesn't work out you know you're going to be fine and find love again. It's important to have this mindset or otherwise I'm afraid you're going to make some stupid decisions. You have to control your emotions, don't let your emotions control you. This can take some time, that's why it's important to maintain NC for 2, 3 months.Contact
When they contact you (and they will eventually in this situation. It's not if but when) you must be able to show your back!Show them your best side. It's just like you were dating in the beginning. In fact, you should just treat it as such. Like your dating a new person. But don't push them! This can take months, don't push because you want instant gratification. Think of your long term goals, if you do this right you can be with this person for the rest of your life. So what's the rush?Some points:
I believe you have to at least be together for 2, 3 years. The relationship has to be out of the honeymoon stage. There must be a really strong bond.
I believe you can rekindle love in this situation but you have to be strong-willed, persistent and have lots and lots of patience! And most importantly, Improve your self! Be positive, think positive, act positivePosted 3 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 3 months ago -
armylady
offlineMemberJust some Books that have helped me. For dealing with the break up, this site and MOMU have been the most beneficial, but the following books will help me in the future to keep him and keep some control.
What Smart Women Know- Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
I Love you, Now What?
Why Men Love Bitches
Why Men Marry Bitches
---sorry, dont have the authors names right off.The last two books have changed my whole thinking process of how to act when in a relationship(yes the bitch books.) But they give insight on how to keep your man always interested and intrigued after you have him. I will put this to use when I get ex back. But seriously, read the bitch books.
Personal evolution is a wonderful process used on this website and these books have also taken me further on my own path. There is no harm in reading about relationships and getting some know-how to be prepared for the future.I hope you will all read them and tell me what you think.
Any person who does not know what they have, does not deserve what they have.Posted 3 months ago # -
dh
offlineMember18 rules of happiness
Rule #1 - Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself!
“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.” - Helen Keller
Oh, come on. Admit it.
We all do it every single day.
Everybody enjoys wallowing in a little self-pity. It feels great to remind ourselves how terrible the world is. How we’ve not been given the right opportunities. How people are against us. How life has been a real struggle this past year.
Right?
But here’s a true secret to happiness. And it’s probably the biggest, easiest and quickest happiness secret you’ll stumble across. Ever.
If you want to be happy – just stop feeling sorry for yourself. Self-pity, you see, is the worst kind of emotion. It eats up everything around, except itself. It leaves itself standing in the middle, feeling sorry for how poorly life has been treating it.
We’ve all felt like that, right? Maybe you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand. Perhaps you’ve lost money, family or health. It could be that you’ve
missed out on so many opportunities that others have been easily granted – and you think that fate really HAS been unfair to you. And that viewpoint might even be 100% correct.
But STOP feeling sorry for yourself.
It’s not going to help the situation. It’ll only help you to wallow in a state of apathy, playing the victim. The kind of person that things happen to, but that can’t do anything about it. By stopping feeling sorry for yourself, you can actually get on and DO something about it. Trust me on this one. This is the biggest ever technique for
putting a smile onto your face. If you want to be happy – stop feeling sorry for yourself. You could close this book right now and you’d already hold
the wisdom of ten thousand self-development courses, and double that number of self-help gurus. And it’s so simple. In fact, it’s worth repeating (and
rewording) one more time: Stop feeling sorry for yourself – and you will be happy.Rule #2 – Be Grateful
“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.”
- Meister Eckhardt
We live in a fast-paced, microwave, drive-thru, Buy-It-Now society.
It’s a society that has forgotten to be truly grateful for the things around it. We only tend to be grateful for things when we no longer have them. Think of the sense of relief you gain when you just get over an illness, and are so thankful that your turbulent tummy has now settled. Consider how appreciative you are when those tests come back clear. Or when the speeding camera doesn’t flash. Or when you finally find your lost child in the supermarket.
These are the moments in life when we realise how blessed we truly are.
Yet how many of us truly appreciate that on a day-to-day basis?
My guess is very few of us. We only become grateful of things when we think we don’t have them. But here’s the thing: by counting our blessings every day, in a
very literal way, we become happier people. Research across the globe in countless studies has proven this over and over again.
So, when was the last time YOU were truly grateful? Think of all the wonderful things you have to be grateful for right now. It could be your family. Or your health. Maybe
your home. Your friends. Your brain. Your heart. Your spirit. Even your DVD collection.
We’ve all got amazing things in our own lives that make us smile with joy. Things that bring a secret, loving tear to our eyes. And if we can only learn to count these blessings every day, we’ll discover a true happiness and greater appreciation of
the beautiful world we surround ourselves with. So, if you can, make that part of your daily ritual. Count your blessings, briefly in the morning, and briefly at night. Then smile at the world for sending such great things your way. Be grateful – and you will be happy.Rule #3 – Say Yes More
“I will say yes to every favour, request, suggestion and invitation. I will swear to say yes where once I would say no.” – Danny Wallace
“No!” is a wonderful word. It’s powerful, it’s universally understood, and it stops
everything in its tracks. By saying no, you’re instantly slamming the door and holding it shut, ensuring nothing else gets through. But how many of us say “No!” way too often? You see, “No” really holds us back in life. It closes us off to many of life’s wonderful experiences, and causes us to resist what happens around us.
When we say no, we’re swimming against the current. When we say yes, we’re swimming with the current. Which do you think is easiest? Which produces less stress?
Which is faster, and more enjoyable? We say “NO!” to life’s funny randomness, when a passing bus splashes rainwater all over our new jeans. We shout “NO!” to
our emotions, resisting and fighting grief, when our pet rat passes away. We yell “NO!” when we don’t get that promotion, which we’d been working so hard to achieve.
Long story short: we say NO to everything, too often. We fight against what happens to us in life, rather than allowing it to be as it is. We resist it, rather than accepting it. We say “No!” rather than saying “Yes” – or even just “Okay.” By saying “Yes!” more to life, we go with the flow. Things become more enjoyable and positive, less stressful and anxious, and often the situation turns out for the better regardless.
So, SAY YES MORE.
And what about saying “Yes!” more socially too? Say “Yes!”
when you’re invited to that party. Say “Yes!” when you’re asked if you’d like lunch with the boys. Say “Yes!” when you’ve asked to go on that speed dating night, which you
wouldn’t normally even consider. (That’s what Danny Wallace did in his great comedy cum
self-help book “Yes Man.” He said yes more. It changed his
life.) So, if you’d like to flow more with the current of life... If you’d like to inject a little more excitement into your day... If you’d like to enjoy the random twist and turns of fate...
Then SAY YES MORE.
The Australians call it a “bias for yes.” The Spanish say “Si a todo.” Buddhists describe it as flowing with the river of life.
In this book, we simply say yes more. Try it out, even if just for a week. It’ll change your world. Say yes more – and you will be happy.Rule #4 – Follow Your Bliss
“When you follow your bliss, doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.” – Joseph Campbell
In life, it’s easy to end up in the “wrong place.” We’re doing a job we hate. We’re living with people we dislike. We’re keeping secrets, when we’d rather be open and
genuine. We get stuck and don’t feel authentic, because we’re not truly doing what we want. Does that sound like you? If so, you need to find what makes you truly happy.
American mythologist Joseph Campbell summed up that process of seeking your own true happiness and authenticity in three simple words: “Follow your bliss.” Sometimes in life, we all stray and lose direction. We’re half- way up a ladder we didn’t want to climb, rather than at the bottom of one that we do. By not following our bliss, we
permanently limit our happiness and stop ourselves truly enjoying our lives. Are you following your bliss? One thing bliss is not – and that’s money. Bliss is what you’re doing when you’re wrapped up in the moment. When you’re so thrilled just to be doing it, it ceases even to be work anymore. Your bliss occurs when you’re
living in the moment, and time doesn’t really matter anymore. My bliss is helping to run a number of really big businesses, while teaching self-development. In fact, I love it so much that I’m typing this rule while on holiday in Thailand. It’s not
for the money, it’s for the pleasure. I’m immersed in my own
bliss. So, what’s YOUR bliss? You may love teaching tube surfing on the beaches of
Australia. Or running your own small accountancy firm. Or helping teenagers discover and appreciate the world of art. When you were a child, and played with a kite, you were
immersed in your bliss. As an adult, what makes you feel like that again? And how
can you increase that in your life? Follow your bliss. You know, I have a theory that absolutely everyone in life knows what they need to do in order to become happy. It’s just that most aren’t brave enough to take the steps to do it.So, that’s your challenge.
Take those steps, follow your bliss – and you will be happy.Posted 3 months ago # -
dh
offlineMemberRule #5 – Learn to Let Go
“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when
you try and try, the world is beyond the winning.” – Lao TzuEmotions are the things that make us human. When we cry, we’re experiencing emotion. When we’re fearful, we’re experiencing emotion. Whenever we’re angry,
upset, passionate, greedy, scared – we’re experiencing emotion. But sometimes emotions need reigning in! They cause us not to make that fantastic speech at the
company conference, because we’re scared of the platform. They stop us making up with long-gone friends, because we’re still maddened with anger. They cause us to stay in
relationships that damage us, because we’re still emotionally addicted to the misshapen void the relationship fills.Emotions aren’t always good for you. You are NOT your emotions.
Emotions are just things that happen, and which you can (and should) control.
Sure, that sounds easy. But here’s the thing: it actually really is easy.
The best way to let go of our troublesome emotions, the emotions that are holding us back from happiness, is to discover the art of releasing. So, what is releasing?
Releasing is the ability to realize that you are desperately “gripping” onto emotions in your life. You treat them as if they’re “you.” It’s about realising you can let go of them, unclench your fist around them, just by making a simple
decision. How can you start releasing? The simplest method is just to go through your life, recognizing where emotions are holding you up. Are you angry about your home-life situation? Your working hours? That incident you just had, with the rude guy at the grocery store? Bring that issue or situation to the forefront of your mind.
Connect with the emotion. Then, ask yourself: “Can I let this go?”Can you let it go? Just for this moment? Could you release
this emotion? Breathe out, and answer honestly with either “Yes” or “No.” Either answer is absolutely fine. If you can let it go, then do it. Really feel yourself letting go.
Feel yourself releasing, unclenching, relaxing, detaching. It should feel something like when a doctor calls to tell you those worrying tests have come back all clear: an immediate release of worry and tension. And if you can’t let go right now, don’t stress it. Give yourself permission to hold onto it some more. It’s your decision.
How does that feel? If the emotion still has charge, simply repeat the process until you feel better – or until you feel like stopping. Remember, letting go doesn’t mean you “forgive” the person at the grocery store, or you “allow” that kind of behaviour. It
just means that you release the negative emotion inside of you. By releasing negative emotions, you’ll not only enjoy much more freedom in your life – you’ll also become more
emotionally stable and less stressed too. So, learn to let go – and you will be happy.
(PS. Releasing is so important, I’ve included a how-to mini- course at the end of this book. It’s in Appendix I: “A Short Course in Releasing.”)Rule #6 – Do Random Acts of Kindness
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” - Dalai LamaWe’ve all felt it. That spark of happiness which ignites within us whenever we
do a good deed for someone else. We hold open the door for the elderly lady behind us, and she returns the favour with a warm, grandmother’s smile. You bring a box of chocolates into work for no particular reason, and get the warm attention of all your colleagues. The truth is that doing things for other people really makes
US feel great! The more we give, the more we receive. And one perfect way to add a little extra happiness to your own life, and the outside world, is to indulge in Random Acts of Kindness. Or RAKs as I prefer to abbreviate. So, what are Random Acts of Kindness? Well, the clue is really in the name. A RAK is a small act of
kindness that you grant to someone else in the world – for absolutely no reason whatsoever, without expecting anything in return. The classic example of a RAK is to pay at a toll booth for the car behind you. The recipient of the Random Act of Kindness will not only be flattered and uplifted by your generous deed, it’s likely they’ll “pay it forward” to someone else too. And that person may pay it forward yet again.
Indeed, your single Random Act of Kindness could just change the world. So, what Random Acts of Kindness could YOU indulge in – to make yourself, and the world around you, happier? Donate to a charity shop. Give someone a hug. Write a letter of appreciation. Say “I love you” to your parents. Pay for someone behind you. Donate blood. Scrape the ice off a stranger’s car windscreen. Do something for them that they can’t. Give $1 of your money in the best way you can. Become a conservation volunteer. Give your groceries to a neighbour. Take someone out for the day. Spend time with a local elder. Send someone a bunch of flowers, randomly.Take chocolate into work for sharing, without a reason. Thank your mentor for their support. Plant a tree. Pick up litter. Be someone’s biggest fan for a day. Be nice to someone who looks low. Smile more. Give food to a nearby shelter.
Hold open the door. Give a cup of food at http://www.thehungersite.com. Remember, it doesn’t have to be exuberant, and it doesn’t have to cost you a penny. Just throw a little extra kindness out to the world – and watch how you find greater happiness starting to flood back into your own life. So, do Random Acts of Kindness – and you will be happy.Rule #7 – Happiness Is Only Ever Now
“Few of us ever live in the present, we are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.” - Louis L'ArmorMany pubs in the United Kingdom have an infamous sign hanging above the bar:
“Free Beer Tomorrow!” It’s funny because, of course, “tomorrow” never comes.
But when you think about it, how many of us truly live ourlives like that? We spend so much time waiting to be happy in the future, or worrying about the past, that we forget to live in the moment. We fail to realise that happiness can only EVER be now.
Let me give you an example. You’re driving through the city and your favourite song hits the radio. You’re stuck in traffic, but loving the music – and you start to crazily sing along. You really get into it. You’re in the moment. But then you
catch a few jealous faces in nearby cars, and go all shy and timid.
Suddenly you’re no longer living in the moment. You’re wondering what they’ll think about you. You’re concerned they’ll disapprove. You freeze up. Your happiness has gone,
and your inhibition has arrived. You’re no longer in the moment, in the NOW – you’re stuck thinking about wanting approval from these people, worried what they’ll think of
you outside that moment. Right?
Try to catch yourself at some random point today – and just check what’s on your mind. If you’re like most people, you’ll be somewhere other than here and now.
You’ll be thinking about whether you made a good impression with that guy earlier today. You might be thinking about the holiday you have planned for next
September. Or how all of your problems will be solved this time next year.
You’ll be anywhere but in the MOMENT. In fact, we each spend 95% of our time in the past or the future. But here’s the thing: Life is transient. The past has gone. The
future is just a dream. The only time that truly exists ever is
RIGHT NOW. In other words, RIGHT NOW is the ONLY time you can do or change ANYTHING in your life. You are only ever what exists in THIS MOMENT. So, are you HAPPY right now? Are you doing EVERYTHING you’d like to – and feeling THRILLED with life, as you read these words? If you’re not, then make the decision to be happy. NOW. And if you’d like, put down this book, and go fly a kite. Or tell your partner that you love them. Or get your groovy flares on and head out to the nearby disco. NOW is the only time you can change anything. And NOW is the only time you have. So, make that simple decision – to be happy NOW.Rule #8 – Experience, Don’t Hoard!
“When you're curious, you find lots of interesting things to do.” – Walt DisneyWe all dream of fast cars, expensive yachts and magnificent showcase homes.
But do these things really make us happy? Research says – well, yes, actually. Let’s be honest. Anyone that says they’re happy while stone broke is probably lying.
Having a little money behind you is always a great idea. Money makes things happen.
But even so, studies have shown that the happiness “created” by material goods is only ever temporary. Within a few months, the dog hairs have permanently settled
into the back seat of your once-new Mercedes – and annoying neighbours have moved next door to your beach home in Santa Monica. The initial rush these material pleasures once brought soon subsides. So, how do you get a lasting buzz from your money?
Well, those same studies showed that investing in experiences rather than material goods created greater lasting happiness. From travelling in the tropics to overnight on the Orient, mini “life adventures” brought with them an immediate thrill – and a lasting memory and experience of the world, which resulted in greater long-term happiness.
So, rather than hoarding your cash, or spending it on merely material pleasures – why not indulge in a few mini life adventures of your own? Go on a safari holiday in Africa. Visit the location of your favourite film. Hunt down the Aurora Borealis in Sweden. Take two weeks out and explore your own country. Learn a new language. Visit your local tourist board and follow their recommendations. Get involved in a nearby
wine tasting group. Discover ballroom dancing. It doesn’t have to be big and it doesn’t have to be expensive. And you can always do it on your own, too. Even more exciting, set yourself crazy challenges and see what happens. Write a blog, or book, about yourexperiences. Say “Yes!” to everything for a week and see what happens.
Date twenty men over two months. Dine out somewhere new every night for two weeks. Meet five new people every day for a week. Go out with a new group of friends every
week for two months. Find five people on the Internet with the same name as you – and try to meet one of them. By living, and truly experiencing life, we feel more whole,
fulfilled and authentic. So, experience – don’t hoard – and you will be happy.Rule #9 – Appreciate Both Sides of the Coin
“You don’t know when you’ve hit a peak until you’re coming down. And you don’t
know when you’ve hit a trough until you’re climbing out. It’s all good” – David BrentThe world is crammed full of “opposites.” In order to have hot, you must have cold. In order to have light, you must also have dark. In order to have up, you must
have down. Right? They’re opposites. One can’t really exist without the
other. In fact, they’re actually “pairs.” Without each other, neither
can exist. It just doesn’t make sense. You can’t have up without down. We all understand that now. But how many times do we try to cram our lives with
happiness – and remove every last drop of sadness? The truth is that in order for you to experience true happiness in your life, you must experience sadness. It’s
required. Without sadness, we really can’t even understand what happiness is. Yet how many of us struggle and fight against sadness when it comes into our lives?
We think that we should ONLY be experiencing the good, the positive, the happy. We MUST be thinking positively at all times. And if we don’t, we blame ourselves for failing.
Is this a realistic way to live your life? Are YOU addicted to
only experiencing the “good” in life? Are you TRULY embracing the “duality” of your life
experiences? Remember, you cannot throw only the heads side of a coin.
The tails side always goes with it. In order to have happiness,
you must also experience sadness. If you wish, consider it a “credit” toward future happiness. Dolly Parton describes it much more eloquently: “If you
want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.” In other words, and quite simply: It’s all good. Stop judging individual experiences, and how “good” or
“bad” they are. Just enjoy and embrace all your life adventures. And when seemingly negative things happen, remember that it’s just the duality of life. It’s just the other
side of the coin. It’s required. It’s part of the equation. So, appreciate the other side of the coin – and you will be happy.Rule #10 – Be More Social
“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who
make our souls blossom.” - Marcel ProustIt turns out that Michael Caine was right all along.
Playing Scrooge in the Muppets Christmas Carol, he sang: “If you want to know the measure of a man, you simply count his friends!” Countless studies on the science of happiness have turned up one single characteristic of the happiest and most successful people in society. They have a large social network! Lots of friends. Lots of colleagues. Lots of people they ca just to banter with for 10 minutes.How many friends are stored in your cell phone? One shortcut to becoming happier – quickly – is to simply make more friends. Be proactive about it. Don’t just wait for interesting people to stumble into your life. Join a local dance group. Discover a book club. Try randomly chatting with strangers in your nearest cafe. Get yourself listed on social networking sites, such as Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, Hi5 – and join the online groups that share your interests. Subscribe to the many friendship- only sites springing up in big cities. Get out there! Making friends isn’t that difficult. You just need to make the effort. Here are some tips. Firstly, make yourself an attractive friend. Don’t begrudge buying a coffee occasionally. Don’t have “attitude.” Don’t spend your time moaning. Nobody likes negativity. Keep a smile on your face – while being yourself. Secondly, make an effort, even when they don’t. Sometimes people are reserved in the early stages of friendship, and need that extra push before a real connection can be established. Be the one to make that move. If it doesn’t work out, it’s their loss. Move on. Throughout it all, however, make sure you play the numbers game. Don’t stop when you have one or two extra friends. Keep going and going. Expand your social circle as far as you can. Be the person that walks through town and bumps into a dozen friends. Remember, the happiest people are those that have the largest social circles. So, be more social – and you will be happy.Rule #11 –Love More!
“Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the
one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.” – Barbara De AngelisAmerican spiritual master Lester Levenson was given just
days to live. The doctors had little hope for his failing heart. But,
surviving a few days longer than expected, Lester turned to
consider what life was all really about. (He zoomed out. Rule #17.)
He concluded that life was about happiness, freedom. These were the things he needed to pursue. But what granted him the most freedom and happiness in
life? Lester instantly felt that the answer was love. And when his
many girlfriends expressed their love for him in public, certainly he felt a wave of happiness. Yet it was fleeting. Momentary. Then he realised that he felt the most happy in life – when he was the one giving the love! The more he loved his girlfriend, the happier he became. The more he loved the world around him, the happier he
became. The more he loved even his enemies, the happier he became.
And best of all, HE could control the amount of love he gave – and thereby control the amount of happiness he experienced. Think about it for a moment. Doesn’t that ring true for you? Don’t you feel happier when you are loving more? I’m not talking about the clingy, relationship love that most people are well-aware of. But rather an open, giving, warm love. An all-accepting love, like that of a mother for her child, or a child for his puppy. So, can you simply begin to love more? For absolutely no reason at all. Just for fun. Love the whole world more. Love your family for being as maddening as they are. Love the beautiful green trees around you as you take your daily stroll. Love your friends for all of their strengths and weaknesses. Love both sides of the coin. (Rule #10.) Simply, love more. Even your enemies, or that rude guy that insulted you this
very morning. Remember, if you’d travelled in their footsteps and had their experiences in life right to that very moment, whatever they just did would make perfect sense to you. Accept it, and give them a little love, because they might just
need it. Go through everyone you know – and in your own mind,
offer them a little love. Keep that open heart as you walk around during your day. Because, as the Beatles suggested, love might just be all you
need. So, love more – and you will be happy.Rule #12 – Have a Dream
“A person starts dying when they stop dreaming” – Brian WilliamsLearning how to be happy NOW is a real skill. (Rule #7.) They say he who is not happy with what he has, will not be happy with what he gets.
But it’s equally as important to have a dream to lead you forward in life.
Everyone who ever did anything started with a dream, a vision, a goal, a thought. Coupled with that distinctly human quality, hope. So, what do YOU dream of? Would you like to explore the ancient castles of England? Would you like to act in a local theatre production? Would you like to write your first novel? Or even your second? Perhaps you dream of helping your son through college. Or owning a second home in Miami. Or starting your own online business. Or having the very best family Christmas
ever. Or ... ? Dream are critical. They light up life.
Without them, we become bored, and tired, and apathetic. So, take this opportunity to really clarify your dreams. Take a pen and paper and spend an hour figuring out what you
really dream about. Create a scrapbook and fill it with magazine pictures. Write
your dreams on special paper, and put them in an envelope under your pillow. Scribble them onto scrap paper and burn it at midnight with a yellow candle, if you wish.
It doesn’t really matter how you record them, ritual or n ritual. But clarify your dreams, and write them down. They’ll suddenly take on a new importance, and you’ll automatically find yourself heading closer toward them. (See Rule #13. But whatever you do, make sure you have a dream. They’re incredibly important. Dreams are the spark plugs of the spirit. Make sure yours are ready for action. So, have a dream – and you will be happy.Rule #13 – Intention Sets Direction
“Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry FordHave you ever set out for a party, expecting it to be terrible – and it was?
Ever left for a party, expecting it to be brilliant – and it was? You might not have realised this in your life yet, however the outcome you expect is often the outcome you get. You wake up on a bright, sunny day, yawn and stretch your way out of a comfortable bed, and decide that you have a wonderful 16 waking hours ahead of you. And you have a
great day! The next morning, you wake to grey clouds and heavy rain, stub your toe on the bed, and decide that today is a bad day. And guess what? Strangely, you’re right again. Here’s a simple way of putting this that you may not have
thought of before: Your intention sets your direction.
In other words, the route you plan out for yourself is most likely the one you’ll end up taking. If you expect something great to happen, it will. If you expect that things will go wrong, they probably will too. Of course, the actual event itself likely won’t change.
However if you anticipate a great party, you’ll automatically filter out the negatives and set yourself in a mood to enjoy to the max. If you’re in doom and gloom mode, you’ll focus on one tiny argument in the background somewhere, and let it spoil your whole evening. It’s entirely relative. Because your intention sets your direction. This is really the principle on which the whole self- development community is current thriving. The Law of Attraction, The Secret, What The Bleep, Cosmic Ordering – even prayer. They’re all describing a convoluted form of this
incredibly simple principle. They hype it up. They give it weird names. They surround it
with mystical ritual. But the core concept remains the same. Decide on where you’re going and how it’ll be for you – and it’ll happen. There’s a great line in Alice in Wonderland, where the Cheshire Cat advises: “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.”So, the next time you go anywhere, or do anything, set your intention first. Make it clear that you’re going to have a great
time, you’ll meet some fantastic people, and that it’s going to be wonderful.
Set your general intention every morning and every night, too. The brighter and more positive, the better. Remember to set intention with your dreams, as well. (Rule #12.)
It’s simple. Set your sunny intention – and you will be happy.Rule #14 – Enjoy Simple Pleasures
“Simplicity is the essence of happiness.” - Cedric BledsoeToo often, our lives are filled with complex demands and desires.
We get upset because our new Sony Vaio has a deep red fascia rather than the grey-black we preferred. We’re annoyed because our restroom underfloor heating isn’t quite
as warm as we’d like – and, come to think of it, those bathroom tiles are a little out-of-date. How often do you find yourself criticising what exists in your
life – rather than appreciating it? And how often do you take time out to truly enjoy the really SIMPLE pleasures in life?
Enjoying simple pleasures is, truly, one of the real secrets to happiness.
It’s an attitude. The ability to appreciate the happiness, the beauty, the pleasure in the simple things around us. The gloriously rich taste of a Sunday roast. The cool
sensation of a spring breeze. That familiar, homely smell of your dog. Sitting around with your family, laughing at some television comedy. Not only that, happiness can also be found in simple routines, too. That daily “thinking space” walk around a nearby river. That warm early morning cup of coffee before the working day
begins. The weekly game of chess you play with an elderly neighbour. That sneaky glass of wine while unwinding with your husband. These are the simple pleasures and routines that bring us happiness. Happiness does not have to be complex. For me, happiness can be found on a cold Friday night, wrapped up in my quilt, a re-run of Columbo playing on
television, and a warm mug of tea in my hand. To me, that’s true bliss. It gives me a warm, cosy feeling even as I write this. So, what simple pleasures and rituals currently exist in your life? And if you don’t have any, take time out to generate a few for
yourself. Soak up the sunset tomorrow evening. Go to church every
week, if only for the atmosphere. Cook yourself an experimental, flavour-filled meal. Indulge your senses. Drive to the sea.
Remember the simple things that you truly enjoy. Then take time out to experience them again. Or even better, turn them into little daily or weekly rituals, filling your life with sunshine. Quite simply, enjoy simple pleasures and rituals – and you
will be happy.Rule #15 – Accept What Is
“Happiness is a function of accepting what is.” – Werner ErhardHow many of us fight against what is happening in our lives? In our family? In society? In the world around us? You get fined for parking illegally. We’ve all done it at some
point or another. You’ve checked it out, you were wrong, and there’s little you can do about it. Do you just shrug it off, accept what is, and continue happily with your day? Or, more realistically, do you moan about it for the next three days – sharing your woes with everyone you meet? Do you let it put you in a bad mood? Anger you? Taint your day? If you’re like most people, you do the latter. And that’s just a simple example. You might be fighting against your teenage son’s quest for freedom. Or society’s uncomfortable take on your sexuality. Or the way you look. Or, quite simply, you might generally be fighting against the cards life has dealt you.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take action to change the world around you. With discussion, or protests, or dieting. But does all of that pent-up anger and resentment really serve anything? Rather than fighting it internally, wouldn’t it be much better
just to accept what is first – and then change what you want, if you still want to?
The world is a rough place. Sometimes things can get pretty crappy. Make no mistake. And when it rains, it pours. And the people that live here? A lot of them are pretty foolish. So, I’m on your side here. You’re right. But it’s pointless holding onto emotions that are holding you back. By not accepting (or welcoming, or embracing, or whatever other word you may prefer) what is, you are pushing against
what exists right now. That causes tension, which results in stress, limitation, and lack of clarity. By accepting, welcoming, embracing what is, you clear all of
your emotions. Your thoughts gain more clarity. You become happier. You experience more freedom. If you can change things, after accepting them, you’ll have a sharper mind and more energy to do so. If you can’t change things, or if you’re trying to change other people, stop immediately – realise that you simply can’t, and move onto something else. Pointless worrying – there’s nothing you can do about it. Shrug and smile about it, that’s life. Just accept what is – and you will be happy.Posted 3 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 3 months ago dh
offlineMemberRule #16 – Exercise and Eat Well
“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” – J.R.R.TolkienThis book is crammed with rules for helping you achieve happiness.
Some rules are philosophies, providing you with fresh ways of experiencing the world. Others are techniques, enabling you to deal with the world in a more positive manner.
But others – like this one – are really darn practical! You see, research shows that both exercise and “feel good food” can have a DRAMATIC effect on your happiness
levels! Firstly, moderate exercise at least three times a week can
rocket your serotonin, phenyl ethylamine and endorphin levels. These are the natural “feel good” chemicals that put a smile on your face. Here’s something else: The best kind of exercise you can get to feel happy doesn’t even require a gym membership!
Just walk for around forty minutes a day to enjoy the best happiness boost possible. You’ll not only benefit from serotonin, melatonin and adrenaline increases, you’ll also
boost oxygen levels in your brain, thereby increasing focus
and short-term memory. Not to mention that after a short while, you’ll begin enjoying a trimmer body, helping to heighten your self-esteem. Secondly, eating the right kind of foods can make you a much happier person. For example, did you know that your Omega 3 (fatty fish oil) levels can seriously affect how happy you are? In Germany, where fish consumption is low owing to geography, depression levels are high. Yet in Japan, with sushi-bars on every street corner, depression is a much rarer condition.
So what are the perfect foods to eat for making you happier? Well, almost ALL types of fish and nut work wonders. You can also try turkey, asparagus, sunflower seeds, cottage
cheese, pineapple, tofu spinach, bananas and lobster. These foods are high in tryptophan, an amino acid the body converts into serotonin, bringing about greater states of wellbeing. (For a full breakdown of feel good foods, read Appendix 4.)
For actual full meals designed to boost your happiness, try visiting the Food and Mood project, online at http://www.foodandmood.org – and checking out their Mind
Meal options. And don’t forget your daily vitamin and mineral supplements, too – especially Omega 3. Brain supplements, such as Acuity (www.acuitydirect.com) can also help. That’s how you can change your happiness levels – just by
changing what you put into your mouth. So, make sure that you eat well and exercise –and you will be happy.Rule #17 – Zoom Out and Don’t Sweat
“If you do not raise your eyes you will think that you are the highest point.” - Antonio PorchiaRight now, you have a set of priorities running in your life. Number one may be that business deal you’re working on. Number two could be the mortgage you’re really trying to pay off. Number three is that vacation, and whether you’re really going to get on with Aunt Marjorie for two whole weeks. These are your current priorities.
ut isn’t it funny how life can sometimes jolt any of us right back down to earth – and remind us all of what really matters in life? Of what our real priorities should be? I’m talking about the perspective we gain after a family member passes away. Or after a near-miss motorcycle accident. Or the moment your first child arrives into the
world. We suddenly zoom out and view the world from a million miles above. Petty arguments are no longer worth our attention. The “importance” business seems to disappear immediately. All we often want to do is express our love for those we care
about. Life has a habit of reminding us of the important things, whenever we forget. Have YOU forgotten what is really important in your life? Are you sacrificing your family time to clear that never- ending pile of paperwork? Do you spend days moaning
about the negative, getting angered by the smallest of comments? Did you last hold yourself back from telling your partner how you felt – because you were embarrassed? Here’s the simple truth: You might be dead one hour from now.
You never, ever know what is around the corner. So, try regularly “zooming out” of your current picture, and realizing the true priorities in your life. If you can, do it every
day - particularly when you return home from work. Then kick back your shoes, and enjoy some quality time with family and friends. Life is short. As GoDaddy.com CEO Bob Parsons says, we’re not here for a long time, we’re here for a good time. So, zoom out regularly, don’t sweat the small stuff – and you will be happy.Rule #18 – Laugh, Dance, Smile!
“A friendly look, a kindly smile, one good act, and life's worthwhile.” - UnknownYou know, it’s funny...
The other week, I decided to attend a local Buddhist class. They were holding a discussion on the nature of happiness. The “enlightened one” entered centre stage, a gentle, snail- paced walk to match his speech, and talked about what made
us happy. This went on for a period of two hours, with many questions
from the small audience. But here’s the thing. The teacher never smiled or laughed once the whole time. Not only that, neither did the audience! Enlightenment? I
don’t think so. Boring is perhaps more apt. True happiness, self-development, freedom, comes from inside - and is expressed externally in bright faces, a big
smile, and plenty of laughing. Just look at the Dalai Lama. Once you’ve applied the rules in this book, you’ll automatically find yourself being a happier, jollier person –
naturally! But why not give it all a little helping hand?
This rule is a reminder that you should surround yourself with happiness – and just watch it rub off on you! How?
Get dancing, for a start! Studies show dancing to be the absolute BEST way to immediately rocket your happiness. It boosts serotonin levels, promotes good health and weight loss, and allows you to indulge in essential human and body
contact. But it doesn’t stop there. Why not also...
Keep feel-great music CDs in your car. Cover the walls of your home with uplifting pictures. Watch more comedy movies. Listen to positive tunes on your iPod while working.
Indulge in The Simpsons or Family Guy, and laugh at life itself. Heck, when it comes to that, give yourself a pat on the back for being the big, crazy screw-up that you are!
Laugh at all of the silly problems you’ve been holding on to, so very well, for so long. Laugh that you’re even mad enough to read a book like this. Laugh that you’re alive, and that so many opportunities are open to you – right now. That’s why I think the Dalai Lama laughs so much. He’s realised the crazy, wonderful, ridiculous nature of life –
and that the real meaning of us being here, if there is a meaning, is to be happy.
So, right now – laugh, dance, smile – and you will be happy.Posted 3 months ago #-
dh
offlineMemberAppendix 1 – A Short
Course in Releasing
Releasing is a fantastic tool for unleashing freedom in your life! It allows you to let go of sadness and limitation, and embrace freedom and happiness. It enables you to drop negative emotion and increase positive emotion. Releasing allows you to control yourfeelings, rather than letting your feelings control you. In fact, I’d consider releasing to be perhaps the most important self-development technique on the planet. Sound interesting? Well, let’s start from the beginning. Emotions are how we feel.
We feel grief after the death of a family member. We feel anger when somebody rubs us up the wrong way. We feel pride when we do a great job. Emotions are useful, and help make us human. But sometimes emotions hold us back. They cause us to freeze in fear when about to deliver our speech. They cause us to continue being angry toward someone we should’ve forgiven long ago. They cause us to carry on being addicted to gambling, or bad relationships. Yes, emotions have a lot to answer for! But the good thing is that you can control your emotions just as simply as you’d control a light switch. Turning them off is as simple as <click>. You see, the secret you must realise is this:
You are not your emotions. That’s right. You are not your emotions. And your emotions
are not you. Emotions are just things that you experience. Rather than “I am angry,” a more accurate description might be “I am experiencing anger.” And rather than “I am courageous,” a more lucid version may be “I am feeling courageous.” So, emotions are just things you experience. Sometimes they feel good, sometimes they run riot. And you can switch them off as easily as you’d switch off a plug socket.
How? Through the process of releasing. Now, releasing is all about letting go of your negative emotions. When you let go of negative emotions, you’ll feel
lighter and more stress-free. You’ll enjoy greater freedom and feel more at peace with the world. Releasing is always a great idea. (You can let go of positive emotions too, and you’ll typically feel even more positive as a result.)
How can you release? Firstly, you need to recognize that we’re each desperately
holding onto our emotions – even those emotions that aren’t serving us. We’re clenching them, like we’d clench our hands around a pencil or a small ball. We’re holding on to that fear, that grief, that apathy – because we somehow think that it is us, and that we need it. But when we realise that we are not our emotions, and that
we don’t need it, we can simply choose to let it go. That is, we can unclench our fist – and allow that emotion to simply be free, or even drop out of our hands altogether. Let’s try it together. Think of something right now that you know is a concern for
you. It might be a situation at work, or a particular person you dislike, or just some general worry that you have. Make it a simple issue for now, just for starters.
Think of that thing, and notice the resistance that builds up in your stomach.
Then simply ask yourself the question: “Can I let this go?” Which is another way of saying: Can you unclench the grip you have around this feeling right now? Can you release the grip? Can you let go of the resistance? Can you just drop the
emotion attached to this issue? As you ask yourself “Can I let this go?” – breathe out, and answer honestly with “Yes” or “No” out loud. It doesn’t matter which you answer with, it’ll all provide you with an emotional release on some level. While exhaling, feel the release happening. Feel yourself unclenching that grip. Feel yourself just letting go of that emotion. Notice the difference? Remember, we are the ones that are holding on to our emotions. We are the ones that are causing them to continue
living inside our minds. Would you prefer to hold on to your negative emotions even
more, allowing them to bubble away inside your mind – or would you prefer to just let them go? Remember, by letting go, we’re not agreeing with it, or letting
somebody off the hook. We’re simply releasing the emotion attached to it. We’re granting ourselves greater peace and serenity. Then, when you’re ready, connect to see whether that issuestill has any charge. If it does, repeat the process once more: connect with the issue, ask yourself “Can I let this go?”, answer “Yes” or “No” while breathing out, and feel the release. Loop on this entire process a few more times. You’ll soon begin to really feel very different about the whole issue. Within minutes, you’ll notice the emotion has drastically reduced in size – and may just have disappeared altogether. Right? Finished? How did that feel? Let’s try it once more. This time, make sure you follow through the entire process. Out loud, too, if you can. Again, think of a situation which brings up some resistance in your tummy. It might be an annoying person, or a small worry that you have right now. Get in touch with that sensation, that energy, that feeling. Then ask yourself: “Can I let this go?”
Answer the question out loud, with a “Yes” or “No,” while breathing out. Remember, any answer is fine, they both work the same magic. Just be honest.
As you answer, loosen your clutch on the emotion. Relax into the comfort. Release.
Feel yourself unclenching. Feel yourself letting go. Releasing feels great. It’s like the feeling you get when the doctors call you, after those worrying tests – and say you’ve got the all clear. It’s total relief. That’s releasing. To help you feel the release even further, imagine two doors in front of your stomach opening, allowing all of the negative emotion just to flow out – as you let go. Really feel it happening. Great! Finished? Now check how you feel. If there’s still any emotional charge left, no worries. That’s fine! Repeat the process until you feel better about the issue,
or want to finish. If you don’t feel any progress at all, don’t worry either. Just let go of trying to get results. Sometimes you’re too busy “watching” to really experience.
And if you answer “No” during the process and don’t feel yourself able to let go, don’tworry about that either. Every step, no matter how redundant it may feel, helps take you closer to emotional freedom. Just release on it and move on.
And that’s it, really. Releasing is the quickest and easiest method for letting go of
troublesome emotions. It’s the hidden process behind almost every therapy out there
– from psychotherapy to tribal drum therapy. Except here we’re just releasing the emotions directly, rather than fluffing up the process.
There’s no need to spend years sitting on a couch, going into your “back story” and analyzing precisely why things happened that way. Here, we just release – and move on.
It really is as simple as that.Just connect with the emotion and ask yourself: “Can I let this
go?” – then breathe out, answer “Yes” or “No,” and feel
yourself letting go. Easy! Further Releasing Methods There are other ways of releasing, too – all based on the same core “letting go” principle.
One of the most popular is the three questions method. This was popularized by the late Lester Levenson, and is now taught in the Abundance Course
(www.releasetechnique.com) and The Sedona Method (www.sedona.com). This technique is based on the following premises:
1. We don’t know that we can let emotions go
2. We don’t want to let go of emotions
3. We always put off letting go until later
So, this method of releasing works by addressing each of
these questions – allowing us to cycle through, and slowly let
go of the emotions that are holding us back.
Here are the steps:
1. Think of the situation, and connect with the emotion
you’d like to release.
2. Ask yourself: “Could I let this go?” (yes/no - answer out
loud, honestly)
3. Move on to ask: “Would I let this go?” (again, yes/no)
4. And then: “When?” (now/later)
5. Feel that release – then check to see how the situation
feels. If there’s still some emotional charge, go back to
step one and loop again: you’ll find some issues are
layered like onions, and are released over multiple
passes. Or if you feel stuck in the actual process itself, let
go of wanting to feel stuck, and start again – or rest for a
while.
Another popular releasing method is the welcoming
technique, popularized by many releasing teachers,
including Chris Payne with his Effort-Free Life System
(www.effortfree.com).Here are the steps to follow for this technique:
1. Lower your head and place your hand on your chest or
stomach. Get in touch with an emotion, or a situation
that has an emotional charge for you.
2. Notice the intensity of the feeling in your body, and rate
the intensity from 0 to 10.
3. Welcome the emotion, much as you’d welcome a friend
into your home. Welcoming doesn’t mean you agree or
forgive the emotion, just embrace it, accept it, welcome it.
Allow it to be there, instead of pretending it doesn’t exist.
Feel the welcoming.
4. Now get in touch with the emotion again. How does it feel?
5. Rate the intensity again, from 0 to 10. Keep going until it
comes down to 0. If you feel stuck, ask yourself if you
could let go of trying to change being stuck – or simply
continue later. Releasing teacher Lester Levenson (whose work is now
continued through The Abundance Course and The Sedona Method) also used to suggest that individuals try letting go of wanting control, approval and security too. These are general terms that can help you release on emotions right across the
board. You know, releasing is about letting go of emotions. It’s about detachment.
It’s what the Eastern world calls letting go of our attachments and aversions.
In the Western world, this releasing process is essentially the
equivalent of saying:
“F**k it!”
(A wonderful argument set forth by John C. Parkin in his
book of the same name.) Try each of these techniques yourself, and start using
whichever suits you best. But remember to try them.
Releasing isn’t just for reading about. It’s experiential.
Conclusion Releasing is a powerful method for gaining greater emotional
freedom. It helps you realise that you are not your emotions – and
thereby allows you to release all of the limiting thoughts,
emotions and feelings that have held you back in the past.
You’ll become happier, enjoy more self-empowerment, and
simply be more free when you discover releasing for yourself.
Take time out to go through all of your issues, negative
emotions, and the people in your life – releasing on each in turn. You’ll feel the benefits immediately. Just keep asking yourself “Can I let this go?”
Practice it as often as you can – and do it all the time. Even when you’re talking to somebody, you can release there and then, in that moment. It’s simple and it’s easy. To learn more about releasing, I’d suggest one of the following books:
• The Sedona Method – by Hale Dwoskin –
http://www.sedona.com
• The Abundance Course – by Larry Crane -
http://www.releasetechnique.com
• The Secret of Letting Go – by Guy Finley –
http://www.guyfinley.com
• Effort-Free Life System – by Chris Payne –
http://www.effortfree.com
• F**k It – by John C. Parkin – http://www.thefuckitway.com
Discover releasing for yourself, embrace it in your daily life – and I promise you’ll never look back.
Even if that releasing is as simple as saying “F**k it!” just a little more often.Posted 3 months ago # -
PG
offlineMemberThought i should share this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tu-QjTNtDz8
and look at the things that you have not what you don't have
Posted 3 months ago # -
jess20
offlineMemberJust thought you would like to see this. i found it very interesting and helpful.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Grass is Greener on the Other Side" MentalityQuick Access:
The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side?What causes the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality in dating relationships?
Admittedly it’s a paradox, but human beings are simultaneously creatures of habit and creatures that tend to get bored easily. People do what’s familiar to them because familiarity and predictability equal safety and comfort. But when excitement wanes in a relationship for either person in a dating relationship, we look for ways to add excitement. Sometimes the couple does new and novel activities to add spice, and sometimes one or both partners look outside the relationship for something new. From a neurochemical perspective, excitement from new and novel things can induce the same feelings as being in love. With all this in mind, it’s easy to see why some people may start thinking that the “grass is greener on the other side.”
I could stop there, but there’s more information you should consider. When people want to stay in a relationship, they find reasons and maintain a mindset whereby they are better off in the relationship than out of it(5,6,7). For example, high levels of relationship satisfaction can involve positive distortions(4) or what is known as social desirability bias in an individual’s perceived relationship quality(3). This tendency to describe one’s relationship in unrealistically positive terms strongly resembles psychological constructs such as positive illusions(12) and unrealistic optimism(9). On the other hand, people who want to leave a relationship look for evidence that supports that belief. This is motivates many cases of Fear of Commitment (FOC).
FOC is an ambivalence or lack of desire to commit exclusively to one romantic partner. Commitment seems to involve three factors: Long-term Orientation, an Intention to Persist and Psychological Attachment(8). These three factors significantly predict how well a couple functions as well as whether they’ll break up. Long-term orientation especially figures heavily in the formula for successful maintenance of a relationship over time.
In comparing men and women’s perceptions of romantic relationships, one study(11) found – contrary to previous research and theory on male experience – that few men mentioned fear of intimacy or fear of being controlled. Moreover, about the same number of women reported these feelings as did men in the study. However, significantly more men than women expressed fear of commitment, among other factors. This same research also analyzed the reasons men gave for why they experience fear in relationships within the context of sex role expectations. Men expressed anxiety over their perceived need to be the dominant partner and to be in control of and responsible for making decisions in the relationship, according to social mores.
Similarly, other researchers(10) studied the “dismissing” form of adult romantic attachment orientation across 62 cultural regions. Dismissing attachment orientations are indicated by an avoidance of close personal relationships and the tendency to prevent romantic disappointment by maintaining a sense of relational independence and emotional distance(1,2). A major finding from this important cross-cultural study(10) was that “Men are more dismissing than women in almost all cultures, but these differences are usually quite small in magnitude” (p. 322).
Therefore, “the grass is greener on the other side” phenomenon is not confined to men and can involve a number of separate or entangled mindsets:
» Fear of intimacy
» Fear of losing control
» Fear of settling
» Fear of living up to social norms
» Fear of letting your partner down
» Fear that your partner will not meet your expectations
This is why it’s so crucial for individuals first to sort out their own issues and understand their mindsets before pursuing a serious, committed relationship. The grass will always be greener on the other side if you’re looking for an “out,” but the grass is just fine where you stand if you have a realistic and healthy view of relationships and have found a truly caring, loving person who meets your “must haves.” Funny how our hearts follow where our heads go'Do not go where the path may lead.
Go instead where there is no path, and leave a trail'
-Ralph Waldon Emerson
'If opportunity doesn't knock. Build a Door'
Posted 3 months ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 3 months ago jess20
offlineMemberAnother one for you 8);
Is the grass really greener
-------------------------------------------------------------Today I read a heartfelt letter of a man who no longer feels love for his wife. He describes his once beloved as, "a comfortable roommate."
This man, in his letter states that his once loving and fulfilling partnership is no longer working; we are just not right for each other, we are very different, and we have nothing in common.... except for their lovely children.
As I continue to read, I notice his reasons for the whithering and floundering of his once loving marriage. He suggests their differing religious beliefs are the root of the problem. He believes his wife's more fundamentalist beliefs are causing the problem, while his lack of religious belief is difficult for her.
It seems to make sense.
But the letter goes on.
He describes a several month separation from his family due to a relocation across the country. He describes how during this extended time away from his loved ones, he has developed relationships with others more similar to him. He describes a particular relationship with a women with whom he has emotionally bonded in deep and profound ways. He discusses the acceptance, intimacy, and freedom he enjoys among his new friends. He shares his new found joy in being able to live without the constant demands of family.
What is clear.... the problem is not the issues surrounding religion, not the lack of things in common, and not the "just growing apart."
The problem is, the relationship has not been nurtured, nourished, and attended to.
Of course, for many people a single life, without cares, responsibilities, and duties is easier than attending to a marriage. And, often when we engage in intimate relationships without real life interfering life looks more romantic, exciting, and comfortable.
No surprises here.
But the grass in not greener on the other side of the fence, and as many will tell you, sometimes there is not even any grass.
A healthy relationship takes work, and lots of it.
Healthy, loving, fulfilling relationships do not just happen. They are like a fine fabulous garden that requires energy, time, love, tenderness, and never-ending care.
The idea a marriage can be healthy and happy without the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual/soul investment is really quite incongruent with reality.
And, when things get tough, when the relationship is sick and wilting, someone else always seems to look more attractive.
Yes, there are times when a particular challenge becomes too much for a relationship but more often than not, perhaps in 99% of cases, these external circumstances are not the problem. The problem is lack of attention to the relationship.
I am convinced that regardless of the situation, if a couple decides they will make their marriage vital, alive, and loving, it can happen.
The key is not in specific answers to a particular challenge. It is in the determination, commitment, devotion, care, and love.
This couple, like all couples can allow their challenges to divide and destroy their marriage, OR they can find ways to overcome the difficulties, working together to make their marriage healthy, and heal the wounds that have harmed their love!
If you want green grass, try watering the lawn.
'Do not go where the path may lead.
Go instead where there is no path, and leave a trail'
-Ralph Waldon Emerson
'If opportunity doesn't knock. Build a Door'
Posted 3 months ago #-
Sweets
offlineMemberHey folks, thanks for all the help and support this past holidays... i did a yoga thing the other week, and I want to share few quotes:
"Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them."
"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour."
"The world will always turn, for turn it must. You only have to decide which way to walk with it!"The Breath is Life's Teacher
Observe me, says the Breath, and learn to live effortlessly in the Present Moment.
Feel me, says the Breath, and feel the Ebb and Flow of Life.
Allow me, says the Breath, and I'll sustain and nourish you with energy and cleansing you of tension and fatigue.Move with me, says the Breath, and I'll invite your soul to dance.
Make sounds with me and I shall teach your soul to sing.Follow me, says the Breath, and I'll lead you out to the farthest reaches of the
Universe, and inward to the deepest parts of your inner world.Notive, says the Breath that I am as valuable to you coming or going. That every part
of my cycle is as necessary as another, that after I'm released, I return again and
again, that even after a long pause - moments when nothing seeems to happen - eventually I am there.Each time I come, says the Breath, I am a gift from Life. And, yet, I am released without regret, without suggering, without fear.
Notice how you take me in, says the Breath - is it with joy? With gratitude? Do you take
me in fullu; invite me into all the inner spaces of your home? Or carefully,
into just the 'front foyer'? What places in you am I not allowed to nourish?And notice, says the Breath, how you released me. Do you hold me prisoner in closed
up places in the body? Is my release resisted or do you let me go reluctantly, not easily?And, are my waves of Breath, of Life, as gentle as a quiet sea, softly smoothing sandy stretches of yourself;
or anxious, urgent, chopping waves; or the crashing tumult of a stormy sea?And, can you feel me as the link between your inner and outer worlds, suggests the
Breath, and feel me as Life's exchange between the universe and you? The universe
breathes me into you - you send me back to the universe, I am the flow of life
between every single part and the whole.Your attitude to me, says the Breath, is your attitude to Life. Welcome me. Embrace me fully.
Let me nourish you completely, the set me free. Move with me, dance with me,
sing with me, sigh with me, love me, trust me, and don't try to control me.I am the Breath. Life is the Musician. You are the Flute. And, Music - Creativity depends
on all of us. You are not the Creator, nor the Creation.
We are all a part of the process of Creativity, you, Life and me: the Breath. Let's Play
play together and rejoice, for creativity is magic. And magic is change - appearance,
disappearance - it is all a wonderful illusion.Glad you read it! This helps me when I get stressed and anxious ... and lets me realize that the easier you let something go, the easier it will return.
Namaste all...
Posted 2 months ago # -
BEAUTY
offlineMemberJust found these articles , good for reading!!!
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Love-Traps-101-A-Fresh-Approach-to-Couples-Therapy/1
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/The-Reality-Show
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Whats-Your-Schema
The above one tells us wat our schemas are like!!http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/How-to-Save-Your-Relationship
Posted 1 month ago # -
Rox
offlineMemberHey peeps! I came accross this article and I found it interesting, so I thought I'd share it with you. Sorry guys this is for us chicks, but it may be useful reading for you as well
Let a Man Chase You. Here’s How…
As women we have been taught to “go after what we want.” That’s perfect for business, but in our love lives, it’s a bit backward. Men have always been the hunters. They love difficult things. Like football, extreme sports and climbing the corporate ladder. (yes…that one is fun for us, too!) Men LOVE to produce then brag about it. Like in business, hunting or fishing. You ever notice how they talk about these accomplishments? It’s always the struggle (in dramatic detail) about the giant fish he caught. (even if it’s a Minnow) Or the meanest, toughest smartest animal he ever “brought down.” Then they display the animal on the wall so he can talk about it whenever someone comes in the room. Men are all about accomplishment and production, ladies! If he says this to you, he wants you to see what a great producer he is. (for life, maybe?) And he wants you to be proud of him. Awww…. So how do we “go after what we want if it’s him?” We let him chase us.
He wants the thrill of the hunt and chase with you, too. The part that drives a lot of us women absolutely nuts: Will he call? Why does he need space etc. Is a thrill for him. Did you know that when guys are sitting around with their buddies saying things like this: “I can’t do that my wife would kill me.” He is bragging about you to them? He and his buddies all want the woman they can never quite figure out or control. Strong men want a strong woman who won’t take any of their BS and will call them on it. He knows he’ll never have you mounted on his wall and likes it that way.
So…how do we let him chase us?
1. You love yourself with abandon. No excuses. If he can’t love you the way you are don’t bother with him. If he says he likes blondes and you’re a brunette? Look at your watch and say nicely, “Thanks for the drink. I have an early morning and it’s time to go home.” Notice his actions. Action is key with him…the producer. Men do a lot of things on purpose to get an emotional reaction from us. ( yes…an upcoming blog on that one! ) When he doesn’t get an emotional reaction from you, you just put the kibosh on that little game of his. Remember one of my favorite “bitches” Dolly Parton? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolly_Parton She’s “This is who I am, take it or leave it.” Period. I’ve quoted this before in my blogs and here it is again. When asked the key to her successful marriage she said ”When my husband gets a little complacent, I pack a bag and stay gone!” Love it!
2. We won’t compete with other women over a man. If he’s trying to make you jealous with other women he is not respecting you. And we are going to blame her? Blame the source. If he tells you about women that are “coming on to him” or an “ex-girlfriend” he is getting together with? He is doing it to get a reaction from you and it’s disrespectful. Tell him something along the lines of this: “I really want you to be happy. Let me know what you decide.” Then no contact. Let him “explore all those possibilities” if there are any. One of two things will happen. If he’s a jerk, and leaves you-you win because who needs that? If he’s just trying to get the reaction, get ready for flowers. You gave him the kick in the butt he needed.
3. You let him “chase you” by letting him call, letting him make the plans. (and yes…you let him know what you would like to do, too!) You continue to lead your amazing life, career, pursing and researching your dreams, hobbies and desires because your life is awesome and fun without him. Even when you’re an established couple. Your life is important to you. It’s something you’ve been working at, excelling at and enjoy. It’s what makes you wonderful you! Don’t give it up. (After you’re an established couple, yes you can start calling him)
4. You don’t tell him every detail of your life, so he wonders what you’re up to. If you’re exhausted and all you can think of doing is relaxing in a bath tub? Do it. If he calls, he can leave a message. You don’t have to tell him what you are doing every minute of every day. And don’t expect him to account for his every minute. Maintain a little mystery by keeping focused on you and your needs. Keep moving to the rhythm that makes you feel good.
5. While you’re getting to know each other, try to keep your dates shorter and don’t spend long hours talking about feelings with him. (call a girlfriend) Don’t ask him “Where he thinks things are headed.” Never bring up marriage, kids, etc. Let him bring it up. When he DOES bring them up, give a vague but clear answer. “Marriage? I haven’t really thought too much about it. If I do get married it will have to be someone wonderful.” Perfect. First he’ll probably be shocked that HE was the one bringing up marriage. Second, if he has brought it up, he’s been thinking about it and wants to see your reaction. When you aren’t really “thinking” about it and want someone “wonderful” you just told the hunter what he has to do catch his “intended prey.” Let the producer produce!
And there are so many more things you can do to let him chase you. We will discuss, I promise! This is key: Remember that you are a “wonderful catch.” Any man would be lucky to get you! Make him prove that he is your hero. Men love being heroes. Let him prove worthy of fabulous you! And when he does? Appreciate the hell out of him!
http://bitchlifestyle.com/2009/06/let-a-man-chase-you-heres-how/
It takes strength to fight, but courage to let go.Posted 1 month ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 1 week ago Celina
offlineMemberHello guys:) This is actually an email from an unknown friend to my ex, and I cannot express how thankful I am of him for sending this. Although it maybe quite personal but I think there are quite a few important points that he mentioned that might be helpful.
I know I am not you, I know I don't fully understand your feelings, don't understand your thoughts, don't understand what you went through and unfortunately I don't care.
We don't need empathy from others to think straight. All I need you to do now is to be very objective and really allow me to share my point of view, don't reject them right away. I know you are perfectly capable of doing that.Let's first look at the problems you had with her:
She didn't follow her rules
She is easily angered
Now, allow me to question this, did you speak your mind loud and clear to her before the break up?Or
Did you just suppress all your negative feelings and tell yourself that "I love her, so I will put up with this"?
Love is acceptance. Yes. But it is not on the right track if you are hurting yourself to accept her. The fact that communication is the key here.
Look, think about it, if you and her both sat down and talk about the relationship, 99% it will work out. Couples all over the world quarrel every minute, but we hardly see people in love separate because of it. No one is the perfect match for another unless they are willing to communicate and then compromise the differences that exist.
You need to understand that anger, in most cases, usually is simply fear of losing control over a situation, event, or even yourself. Think about it, every time that you have been angry in your past it was because - at that very time - some one or some thing was not in your control.
I am sure you get what I am saying, that she is angry over many things because things are not in control. That you two are not communicating and she doesnt know what you are thinking, she is insecured. She is afraid of losing you. I concede that she is wrong to throw tempers, I know she should have also communicated with you, but we men are more rational than women when in love.
Did you two have the problems below?
She cheated
You fall in love with someone else
The attraction is non-existing and spending time with each other is a torture
I certainly don't think so. In fact, people with above problem can get back together and work things out. Dysfunctional, sick, absurd, whatever adjective you are pleased to use, but it is happening. 90% of break ups are reversible. I am not bullshiting, it's a real statistic.The two of you, on the other hand, are not dysfunctional, sick or absurd.
So now,
Think about the memories you shared:
a movie that will remind you of her and make you smile
a song that will remind you of her and make you miss her
a place that will remind you of her and want her in your arms
an object that will remind you of her and make you hope she is here
a dream that you wanted to fulfill with her
Let go of all the negative feelings, the grudge, the sadness, the anger, and just think of the happy times.The feelings you had:
your first kiss
when you feel cared and loved by her
when you touch her
when you look into her eyes
when she did something that really touch your heart
when you dream of her
when you think about future with her
when you know she is special
Tell yourself, I loved her. Tell yourself, there is hope.Ask yourself, did I give her a chance to understand how I feel? Is she an unreasonable person that will never change for the better? Can I forgive her?
I know you are a sensible person from the way you write, hence I am certain you will find forgiveness inside you. Now, yesterday is dead: bury it and be done with it. I know you were hurt, but so is she. You guys are even. Let the past be the past. Give tomorrow a chance. Give love a chance.
I will break into profuse thanks if you read to this last line, and it's not easy for me to be nosy enough to write this, I hope to get a reply from you whether this email is a complete failure or a success.
Excuse me for I have to attend the next tutorial.
With regards,
XXXXXXPosted 1 week ago #-
love4learning
offlineMemberWell worth the read....
The Other Person In My Mirror II
February 25, 2010 by Susan J. Elliott
If your ex has gone to someone else or fooled around with someone else and you suspect that person has something you don’t have. They do. They won the boobie prize (your ex).
An affair holds up a vanity mirror; it gives a rosy glow to the way you see yourself. By contrast, the marriage offers a makeup mirror; it magnifies every little flaw… ~ Shirley GlassDuring the last months of my first marriage, the fighting had reached epic proportions. I could do nothing right. I tried and tried but was criticized at every turn.
By our phone was a slip of paper where the MoAB kept phone numbers. One phone number was next to a guy’s name that began with D. I noticed on our phone bill each month that he spent a lot of time on his days off talking to D. However he never mentioned D. I thought that odd.
I kept it in the back of my mind because my days and nights were consumed with arguing and defending myself. He was off during the week and I was off on the weekends. He usually waxed the floors during the week and complained every week about it. It was hard for me to wax the floors on the weekends because the kids were home and there was a lot of foot traffic.
However, I spent this one Saturday morning waxing the floors and cleaning before the kids got up and then hurried them out the door.
We had breakfast out and then went to the park for a few hours before returning home so that the floors could dry.
Normally when he came in on a Saturday if the house was clean (and in our world clean meant sparkling/spring cleaning clean like cleaning brass and washing windows) he would ask me if I took the kids out which, if I was to do a good job on our large house, was not possible). If the kids had been out he asked why I didn’t clean the house.
This particular afternoon I finished cleaning the house and was so proud of myself that day. I had jumped through hoops to get those floors waxed, the house clean and dinner on the table with all 3 kids running around my feet AND we had been out to breakfast and to the park. There was NOTHING he could complain about!
When MoAB came in, I was standing there like a proud puppy waiting for a bone and a pat on the head.
He took one look at the floors and said “What did you do? Purposely leave streaks so you’d never have to wax the floors again?”
I was beyond crushed. I immediately began defending myself and saying that was NOT the purpose of my waxing the floors. He waved it away with a “sure sure” and we ate dinner in stony silence. My insides were churning
About a week later I decided to give this D person a call and find out who the heck this was. I got one of the kids on the line and she said her mother J was home. I knew who J was. It was a co-worker of MoAB. D was her husband. Why in the world would he put D’s name next to the number if calling J was just innocent? I knew why. It did not take me long to connect the dots.
My ex had always been critical but the last few months of the marriage, when he was obviously carrying on with J (though he denies it, he married J so what does THAT tell you?), he was off-the-charts critical. And in defending myself, I had been critical in return. It was a nutty nutty time. The fights turned violent and were nonstop.
It took me a long time to understand that part of the issue was to make me as bad as possible so that he could justify his affair. It took me a long time to understand that there was no way to WIN. There was no way to GET CREDIT. There was no way to please someone who will not be pleased.
For many months I thought there a contest between me and her.
I didn’t realize that
a) I couldn’t win and
b) why would I want someone who was carrying on with someone else (and she hadn’t been the first)?I got so locked into the contest until my therapist told me, “The only way to win is NOT to play the game.” Oh DUH.
It took me a long time to just STOP playing. It was hard and it felt PAINFUL at times, but eventually I did and the obsession with him and with her went away.
At some point, later on that summer after he tried to reconcile with me and I wasn’t playing along (I had changed in a very short period of time), he went back to her. At that point I took the attitude, “You can have him.” and figure out what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. Over the past 20 years she has never let him out of her sight, probably knowing “what he does with you, he’ll do to you” if she doesn’t.
That’s terrific as he’s her problem now and has been for a very long time. I didn’t want to play Columbo anymore.
There is no sense in competing with anyone for the affections of a third person. It’s a losing game.
The minute there is a triangle, you have lost.
The minute someone has put one mirror up to you and a different mirror up to someone else, you have lost.
And if you want that person, are fighting for that person, the grand prize is no prize at all. You have to watch their every move and make sure they don’t do this again or with someone else.
These days I have better things to do and don’t want to spend my time making sure that someone else does or does not do things. I don’t want to compete and I wouldn’t. Not for a minute or a second.
The only way to win is not to play the game and
A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
Live your life. Compete with no one. Be at peace with yourself.
People may doubt what you say, but they believe what you do. - Lewis CassPosted 2 days ago #
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