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jw's No Contact diary
(36 posts) (11 voices)-
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Posted 1 month ago jw71186
offlineMemberI sent him the no contact message (business version) by e-mail on Friday afternoon.
I can see that he opened it but no reaction so far - not that I expected one.
So I'm guessing that either he breathed a huge sigh of relief, or he's feeling piqued that I've decided to cut contact.
It's now Sunday afternoon and it's been tough. I still want to know at what point he decided he didn't want a relationship with me and why.Posted 1 month ago #-
jw71186 said:
I still want to know at what point he decided he didn't want a relationship with me and why.You need to let that go.
Believe me if you hold on that though it will drag down your personal evolution.
People aren't perfect, and his reasons probably won't be either.
And in the end does it really matter why?
Focus your energy on something much more constructive...yourself.
The thing that drives a huge wedge between people when they break up is the big question...why?
You hound your ex until they fire off something that isn't even close to the truth, and that just pisses you off more.
Who cares?
You are going to get your life back, and then they will come crawling back to you.
That's the plan, not to find out why they dumped you...understand?
Stay Strong!
Posted 1 month ago # -
jw71186
offlineMemberThe background is that my ex and I have been close friends for 12 years. We worked together in the past and he was attracted to me. I was really attracted to him but didn't want an affair. Last Feb he told me he had left home and was getting a separation. We started a long-distance relationship, not without a few hiccups. On Jan 17, he sent me an e-mail to say he didn't want to go on our next planned trip. When i called him, he told me he'd started a relationship with someone else in November.
I sent him the no contact message (business version) by e-mail on Friday afternoon.
My note:
"I still believe we need a break from each other for now. I have some decisions to make and need time to think them through.I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t contact me during this time unless it concerns a work question. I will be in contact when I’m ready."
I can see that he opened it but no reaction so far - not that I expected one.
So I'm guessing that either he breathed a huge sigh of relief, or he's feeling piqued that I've decided to cut contact.It's now Sunday afternoon and it's been tough. I still want to know at what point he decided he didn't want a relationship with me and why. We were great friends for many years, right now i just feel hurt, angry and disappointed.
I've started to list my pros and cons and what would need to change -- do i really want him back or do i want closure ? That's what I need to use the next 60-90 days to figure out.Posted 1 month ago # -
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offlineMemberThanks Scott.
You're right, now it pisses me off tremendously, especially since he was the last person I thought would ever hurt me like this because of our long friendship.
But I can't let that question eat away at me and distract me from rebuilding myself and coming back stronger.
Posted 1 month ago #-
jw71186
offlineMemberDay 3 of NC.
Thankfully work was so busy all day that i didn't have time to think about him at all. The weekends are the worst, so i need to keep busy, see people, do things i've been putting off for a while.I can't obsess about it, so i'm setting myself some goals for this time and working on the pros and cons.
I'll know when i'm ready, when i don't feel any more of the anger, bitterness or resentment i have today and thinking about him doesn't hurt any more. But right now i feel like that's months away.Posted 1 month ago # -
Scorchio2211
offlineMemberWhy not use my own patented 'Scorchio Fast Forward Technique'
Go out and shag about 10 people and you'll soon lose your feelings for him. And if you start thinking about him after that, then just consider all of the deseases you could have caught and you'll soon forget about him.
If that still hasn't worked, then repeat until it does.
By the way, you need to maintain NC throughout all this.
Good luck!
Give a man a match, and he'll be a little warm for a minute. But set him on fire, and he'll be red hot for the rest of his life.Posted 1 month ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 1 month ago jw71186
offlineMemberThanks Scorchio, I appreciate your advice but won't be acting on it
I think one of the reasons i'm in this state was that we had very different expectations once we slept together. With hindsight i see that he pulled back so i wouldn't get too attached.
Next time i meet someone i like, i'll need to be very sure of their feelings for me before i take that step.Posted 1 month ago #-
jw71186
offlineMemberDay 4 -- having a bad day and have a tough day ahead at work. Last night I couldn't sleep and got thinking about the past.
When he told me in Madrid that he was confused about the future and didn't want a relationship, that was when I should have cut contact with him - before I got more attached.Maybe he was trying to get rid of me already then, so I wouldn't create any unrealistic expectations in my own mind. But damn it, after 12 years of him chasing me on and off, was it so unrealistic to expect him to give the relationship a chance? I get the feeling he's using distance as an excuse, and he never had any intention of giving it a shot in spite of all the plans he and I made.
Why am I wasting time and energy on someone who doesn't want me ? I won't evolve and move on if I don't stop dwelling on the "why" but I don't think he'd be honest with me.
Posted 1 month ago # -
chicaloca
offlineMemberjw, you´re still trying to find the answers to why he dumped you. You're on day 4, and I know it's hard. I was miserable then. But I'm on day 23 now and things are getting much, much better. Have you tried the ff technique already? Because it works wonders, and it seems you need it to stop letting those thoughts get in your mind. The problem about thinking too much about the relationship, you ex, etc, etc is that is becoming a drug for you. And it will be hard to be clean again if you don't go cold turkey right now! You must start doing the technique, it will calm you and your thoughts will drift somewhere else. Anyhow, if you're definitely thinking about the relationship and him, at least try to focus a bit on those pros and cons, and get a paper to write all that down. My ex and I had a bunch of plans as well, I kept asking myself why were all those beautiful things he said lost somewhere, he even kept saying that stuff a day before he broke up with me. Was he better off me? How come? You need to know that's not the point. People make mistakes, we must've done a few to be in this place as well, so forgive him, and understand you are in a better place, with this plan, to get yourself back. Even to get a new better self. I know, I know it's tough, I haven't got GREAT days myself. But you'll see we all know this is a roller coaster. i haven't posted this on my NC diary, but I was almost about to quit a couple of days ago. I had an anger attack that drove me crazy, and out of the blue I was thinking what a waste of energy and time it was to even think he might want me back. I cried and went nuts until I went to bed. The next day I woke up and instantly thought I WAS NEVER GOING TO BE A QUITTER. Not now, when I've come so far, when my progress is showing results I never thought I could achieve. I didn't knew this person I am now, and believe me, it's amazing. You are already on day 4, which is many steps ahead already. Go ahead! You can do it, you will see yourself posting day 30 something in a blink of an eye. You'll have great days, some low ones, but everyday you'll feel as if your confidence and empowerment are in a tough training. Something like the one Heidi Klum does with her personal training to keep her ass tight! I realle bet she might wake up some days and feel like saying: oh wtf, I am getting back to bed. But then... where will that ass go to as well? You will feel the muscles of your innerself burning and getting stronger. Believe in this journey! I promise you won't be dissapointed!
Much love,
Posted 1 month ago # -
jaygirlweek96
offlineMemberThat was a great post chic! lol. you are inspirational. Like chic said, writing down is a lot of help. Scott keeps saying we should keep a journal and i never knew how important it was till this night when i wrote my first entry. It helps you just let out all you feelings and kind of gives you a sense of commitment to your NC.
All the things i felt like saying to him i wrote down there!
Posted 1 month ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 1 month ago jw71186
offlineMemberThanks Chicaloca and Jaygirl for the support. Chica, i'm going to remember what you wrote about Heidi Klum's ass whenever it seems too hard to keep going. I was reading your stories and saw you've both come through a lot, it renews my faith in the plan.
I'm keeping a journal and listed all the pros and cons over the past days. Every time i catch myself trying to analyze the past, I try the FFT but i don't think i've got the hang of it yet, it feels like i'm pushing the thoughts away or down rather than reacting to them in a healthy way. But I'll keep trying.
This weekend (days 8 and 9) were still hard, floods of tears, but i can't keep on feeling sorry for myself, it's getting very old.
Posted 1 month ago #-
Petvet
offlineMemberHi JW,
It sounds like you and I have a lot of similarities about our relationship. There is a lot of good advice in this thread to you, that I need to take in as well and what you mentioned to me. I guess it really doesn't matter "why". They probably don't even really know themselves. They probably really need to examine their own lives, and no contact will give them an opportunity to do just that.Thanks, Petvet.
Posted 1 month ago # -
jw71186
offlineMemberStarting Day 13/
Something Petvets wrote in her No Contact Diary struck home with me.
"I was in a "don't ask don't tell" frame of mind because I so desparately wanted to be in a relationship with him. I was afraid of asking him important, obvious questions...I was afraid he would either run away or he would tell me things I didn't want to hear which would force me to to not see him or talk to him anymore if I knew the answer. I naively assumed that he wouldn't behave like this (calling me all the time, setting up the time to see each other in AZ) if he was in a relationship with someone else."
Like her, I didn't ask enough questions. I was so afraid that it would put him off me or that would get answers I didn't want to hear I that I didn't get the information that would have stopped me getting as emotionally involved as I did. I ignored the red flags and looking back, I see there was a point when that he wanted to cool things down and reset my expectations but I didn't take him seriously.
Why did I ignore what was in front of my face and believe what i wanted ? Because I so badly wanted this great romantic story to have a happy ending and imagined he wanted the same.
A lot of the hurt I felt at the end was feeling that i let myself be used, that he never wanted anything more than friends with benefits on our weekends. How could I have misjudged or misinterpreted the situation so badly ? I'm letting go of the anger and hurt I felt about this but it's a lesson learned for the future.
Part of what I struggle with is : could I ever change my values enough to accept the person he is.
Now after nearly 2 weeks, i think > why the hell should i have to ? If i have to make compromises on wanting to feel special to someone and trusting them not to sleep with other women, then isn't that a sign that they're not for me?When i started the plan, it was with the goal of getting him back. Today i'm not so sure i'd want that, unless both of us could change.
Posted 1 month ago # -
Petvet
offlineMemberHi JW,
I think they must be in not too good of a state mentally/emotionally to do the things they were doing. I think the main reason we haven't heard from them is that they are very embarrassed/remorseful and just really don't know what to say to us. We have to dig deep into our hearts to find forgiveness for them, and pray that they will find peace. If we truly love them, this is what we must do.
Like you, I thought this was going to be the love story of the century. I actually kept telling my friends, "this is too good to be true", and it turned out it WASN'T true but I so badly wanted to believe it.
But my main point to this is, they were not in a good or healthy emotional state at the time. (and we probably weren't in such great shape either!) We have to let them go so they have an opportunity to learn to get to that healthy emotional state and so that they will have peace in their lives whether or not its with us.
Sincerely, Petvet.
Posted 1 month ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 1 month ago jw71186
offlineMemberGood advice. I've gone over that in my head when he told me he was confused. Maybe for him, i was his rebound person.
No point in trying to analyze or understand why, just to get past this point, llet go of the past, learn from what happened and use it to get stronger.Trying hard to apply the FFT and it seems to be working better.
Posted 1 month ago #-
jw71186
offlineMemberWoke up at 4 and started thinking : maybe i'm meant to be alone and to make a happy life for myself alone. Is it really too much to want someone who wants to share their life, time and body with me ? I'm feeling braver today, that I'd rather be on my own than with someone who doesn't respect me, care for me.
How much could I compromise on or change about myself ?
How important is fidelity - is it unrealistic to expect that today, at our stage of life? Is it too much to want to be able to trust him and expect him to exercise self-control ? I couldn't spend my life looking over my shoulder and wondering who or what he's picked up on his business trips.Before i even think about reconnecting I need to be really clear on what I want or expect. Would i really want a relationship with him or should i aim to re-establish a friendship ?
He has moved on with someone who understands the rules and plays his game. No more signs needed that it wouldn't work.Posted 4 weeks ago # -
Petvet
offlineMemberHi JW,
No I don't think you're meant to have a life alone. But if you're feeling like me, you must be very raw, and we need time to be able to heal. After we're healed, then there will be time to look around and see who's out there.I know the advice is to start dating as soon as possible, but there is no way I can even think about that right now. I can barely get thru the day most days, and my mind isn't functioning properly.
Re: fidelity- our bodies are sacred gifts from God and we should only share that with someone who will honor us and protect us and love us in a committed relationship. Other wise we are violating ourselves, and violating the other person.
Believe me I know all about this. In my last relationship (not K) he did not love me, honor me or respect me and when I asked for a committed relationship he got very ugly with me. I really felt violated then. Believe me I've made this mistake over and over again. Hopefully I've learned my lesson!
Sincerely, Petvet.
Posted 4 weeks ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 3 weeks ago jw71186
offlineMemberHopeforthebest said:
I've found this great site with beautiful and helpful quotes ! Enjoy and hold on ! Everything will be all right, just have Faith !If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other women... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
You are not alone
Posted 3 weeks ago #-
jw71186
offlineMemberDay 17 - Sundays are always the worst. No sooner did I get past my obsession with 'WHY?' than I found something new to torture myself with.
This mess is not because I'm not good enough or I screwed up. He simply found someone he was more attracted to, who lives closer to him. It's sad and unfair but it's not a crime.
Going to church and work helped, also reading the post quoted above from Hope.
Finding my way to this forum was the best thing that could have happened.
Thank you Scott and everyone. JPosted 3 weeks ago # -
Petvet
offlineMemberNo JW, don't say that or think that. You have no idea why he's with this other person. Maybe she's easier for him to manipulate than you are. Maybe she's more gullible and its easier for her to believe his lies. She probably has a self-esteem issue if she's allowing herself to be with him even though he's married. He probably found out you're a lot stronger and smarter than she is and that you can see through his b-llshi-t, whereas she is not able (or doesn't want to) to do that. He doesn't like it that you can see thru his games.
Do NOT allow negative thoughts like you posted above to even enter your head. They are UNTRUE, and they will bring you down faster than a speeding bullet. You are beautiful, really intelligent, and gifted, and God has a lot of wonderful plans for you because He loves you very much.
Sincerely, Petvet.
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
jw71186
offlineMemberThanks PV for the boost, that was a low point and I appreciate it.
It's day 19 and I'm still trying to accept the reality of the situation, that he has made his choice and moved on with someone he was more attracted to.
I started the plan with the intention of seeing if we could start afresh but maybe there's no point.Posted 3 weeks ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 3 weeks ago Petvet
offlineMemberYou have to wait for a while until you're not hurting as much any more. Then its up to YOU to decide if you even WANT him.
As far as I can tell by your diary, he's still married. AND he's got a girlfriend. What does that say about his moral character? Why would you even consider being with a guy like that. He is not honest with himself or other people. He hurts other people. Think how he's hurt his wife, this other girl and YOU (most importantly). That is not a good or safe situation to be involved in. You will end up being hurt again.
If you decide to talk to him again, tell him "When you are UNmarried, UNconfused, UNinvolved with anyone else, UNscrewed up in the head, UNhurtful to other people, THEN, MAYBE we can start to be friends again."
Focus on developing your relationship with God. He will give you all the love and strength you need. Here are some helpful verses that I use in times of crisis:
1.God my Father loves me with an everlasting love. I have never not been loved by my Father. Jer. 31:3.
2. Nothing can separate me (not even my faults) from God's love for me. (Rom 8:39)
3.Father wants me to be overflowing in his love (Eph. 3:19).
4. Even when I am wounded, Father sees me as beautiful and takes pleasure in me (Ps. 1-49:4).
5. Fathers thoughts toward me are always good and filled with hope for me (Jer. 29:11).
6. He sses me as beautiful, handsome, and pleasant in his eyes. (SS 1:15,16).
7. Father likes being with me so much that He made his home within me. (Jn. 1-4:23).
I'll be praying for you JW. Stay strong.
Sincerely, Petvet.
Posted 3 weeks ago #-
jw71186
offlineMemberDay 23. Petvet, your words were food for thought and really helped me this past week. You are truly a kind, unselfish person and i wish you strength as you pursue your own evolution.
--------------------------------------
Sundays are really tough, probably because i don't have much to distract me. I haven't been tempted to contact him but had to use the FFT a lot to stop tearing up in public. I'm a long way from reconnecting. What if i come to the conclusion that there's nothing worth pursuing ? Will we revert to being friends, a halfway house out of each other's lives?
Trying to get the difference between NC and the silent treatment clear in my own mind. Both are about control; NC is aimed at regaining control of our lives and emotions in a positive way, not to hurt or exercise power over another person.
Posted 2 weeks ago # -
jw71186
offlineMemberDay 30 and for the first time since I started the program the weekends haven't been so bleak.
Work has been hectic so i haven't had much time to think about him.
A lot of work to catch up on today so i've got to motivate myself for that, and get ready for my appraisal tomorrow (which i'm dreading).I definitely am not ready to reconnect but I'm getting there. I've stopped wanting to know 'Why?' and I'm letting go of some of the anger and bitterness I was feeling.
I don't know what took me to this board but i feel very lucky to have found the tools and the support from Scott and the great group posting here.Posted 1 week ago # -
jw71186
offlineMemberDay 39 -
I've thought a lot about my situation with G, the pros and cons, and finally realized that we don't have any chance of getting back together and making a long-distance relationship work. It's not realistic to expect that we could both change enough to have a chance and we both have to want it as much.
If G didn't want me enough to make an effort before he never will. He will always be tempted by the opportunities that come up closer to home and i'll never be able to trust him, not to wonder what he's doing or who he's with.
I'm sorry Scott and everyone, I know the goal of this forum is to help those who want to get back together with their exes so i'll understand if you block me. You've all been wonderful and i've learned a lot from your experiences and how you've dealt with them.
Until last week, i was planning to launch my reconnect strategy now. Instead I'm writing the hardest message i've ever had to.
One last favour -- Please can i get your feedback on the letter below ?Thanks for all your help, J
Translation :
Dear G,I've done a lot of thinking in the last 2 months and I've finally got my thoughts together.
Realizing (belatedly) that I didn't mean any more to you than any other one night stand was hard for me. I've tried to overcome these feelings but our relationship can never be the same as before.
It was wrong of me to expect more from you and I appreciate that you wanted to be honest with me.
I could have avoided this situation but I was so caught up in my romantic dream that I didn't ask you the right questions before Madrid and I didn't want to hear the real message you were giving me that Saturday afternoon.Thank you for the lesson and for your invaluable friendship over the past 15 years. It would be a pity to lose contact completely.
I wish you all the best for the future.
JPosted 4 days ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 3 days ago -
daisybo
offlineMemberNo no no no no no no NO. Sorry jw please hold off. please. i really think you will regret this. why do you want to give him this power. It will not give you closure-only more pain when he does not reply. I know you feel strong but the email is too full of emotion-he does not deserve to hear it, and you sound weak. Hold your head high, keep your dignity. This will only boost his ego.
Posted 3 days ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 3 days ago Petvet
offlineMemberI think if you've decided you don't want to see him anymore than you don't need to do anything. I wouldn't send any letter at all. When I read that letter you posted I get the impression you're wanting him to say- "Oh I didn't mean it, I miss you and want you back". He might not do that, and it would set you back from all your progress you've made. Especially where you say "it would be a pity to lose contact completely". It sounds like you're hinting around that you want to start back up with him.
So no, I would just let it go if you know you don't want to see him again. Bury the old relationship like I did this morning!
Sincrely, Petvet.
Posted 3 days ago #-
jw71186
offlineMemberDaisybo, Petvet and Lizzie : thank you all!
I'm really confused at the moment. I thought i had made progress in getting over the pain but this weekend i finally understood that we'd never make it work and it hurts.
The right thing to do would be to just let the NC run on, not letting him back into my life to hurt me again.
PV, i think you're right and i still want to leave the door open for him to contact me. And i'll just get my heart broken again when he doesn't. I wish i could bury the relationship the way you did today.
Posted 3 days ago # -
Bakspace
offlineMemberYou can't really 'bury' a relationship unless you have a backhoe or something. Do like the rest of us, one shovel-full at a time.
I'm proud that you didn't send the letter JW, that alone is a stepping stone towards you becoming stronger. Continue to build yourself into the person you dreamed you could be! And have faith!
Posted 3 days ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 3 days ago KC
offlineMemberHey JW in that mail you are saying all over you are wrong. Why the fuck are you wrong? What do you have to apologise for? If you fell for the romantic dream, he led you on too. He could have been the bigger person and refused to have anything to do with the dream romance isnt it? But he didnt, so he is the one to be apologising not you. And if its truly over for you in your head, then its even more pointless to send any mail, coz hey he isnt waiting for your permission to move on or live, he is already doing that, so why you should you need a final confirmation, a final contact before moving on? What will it change for you, or about him? Good you didnt send the letter.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn Monroe
"When you respond to an unreasonable person by getting emotional, you give them victory. How do you manage unreasonable people? You dismiss them...Like shadows" David Viscott..Posted 3 days ago #
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