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KC's NC
(440 posts) (56 voices)-
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Posted 3 months ago KC
offlineMemberEx called at his usual time of 1 am last night. Picked up as I was half asleep. Didn't talk much. He seemed eager to talk and I was almost like ok get done with it. I said I want to sleep so he sulked a bit about how he was callong after so long. I let him sulk and even laughed at it coz it was truly funny. He got a bit irritated at that I told him just like he doesn't talk when he is busy, I also didn't want to talk right now. He seemed slightly hurt said sorry I called. I accepted apology and line was cut. Guess I managed to show him and myself that I can stay unaffected by how he feels. Felt great that I stood my ground. Told him will talk later whenever. He did seem hurt but I felt good, was like giving him a shot of his own medicine
anyways, back to NC again and its so much easier now. I didn't cry at all today, infact felt proud of myself about the way I handled the call. Don't know if he will ever call back now coz I was just short of being almost rude. But then if I encouraged him now, it will be the same pattern of him calling and meeting whenever he pleased. I will still remain low priority and that's not at all my idea of what I want in a relationship. I don't know if he will be sensible enough to evolve but doesn't matter too much now coz him in the current form would only spell disaster for my future. Got an invitation to a party from a common friend. I know ex might come there but I am gonna stick to my date for the day and have loads of fun meeting new people. Did I tell u ex has never seen me in a social situation coz he never took me out much? Nows the chance for him to see what he lost hehehe
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 3 months ago #-
armylady
offlineMemberI am happy about how you are coming along...but remember, NC is NC. Also, I am glad you are doing so well. He doesn't deserve you.
I will still remain low priority and that's not at all my idea of what I want in a relationship.
True. And calling at 1 am in the morning is not a compliment. It is disrespect. Don't put up with that. Next time, do not answer.Good luck and way to stay positive.
Any person who does not know what they have, does not deserve what they have.Posted 3 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberThanks armylady. Yeah need to stick to NC coz I haven't fully evolved. M still vulnerable even if slightly to his mood swings and that needs to stop and any contact will only weaken me. I hope that things fall into place and I get a great life in2010. I gotta be treated better not like a hold on whom u speak to when all the day's work and meeting others is done. There has to be some consideration for my schedule and convenience too. I am important too.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 3 months ago # -
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offlineMemberActually 1 am was the time he would call even when we were together. Coz he worked late and then would have a few drinks and call me on his way home. And back then I used to love to talk to him anytime. So it sort of became a habit. First month of break up I used to wake up in the middle of the night coz it had become a habit and the pain would start all over. But now that I am not even his girlfriend, then I better get calls in daylight hours isn't it? Even if I get back I deserve being spoken to as per my convenience too at times. Armylady u saved me actually. I was getting a bit ahead of myself coz of one call. But now m firmly back on the ground
I have to concentrate on me and my rights. A healthy relationship for life is what I want and I won't settle for anything less.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 3 months ago #-
KC
offlineMemberWent thru a sea of emotions. Though I know I did right I felt slightly bad that I hurt him. I still care a lot for him. But yeah love has to be tough at times or else it won't work. My evolution might force his and then he will be able to let go of his past and both of us might be happy wherever we are. I haven't cried in two days and I feel that m done crying over the relationship though I may cry for his problems and hurts. But I won't let it weaken me. I ll do what I have to do for my happiness.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberI love him yes. But today I feel I have let the old relationship go. Its like accepting someone is dead. U miss them, but u also know that they aren't coming back. But there is alwyas new life isn't there? Or like some favourite dress that u have outgrown. You won't part with it, but u know u can't wear something two sizes too small anynmore. Well m getting too philo here I guess
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
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KC
offlineMemberSlightly feeling bad about things about the mistakes I made in the relationship, the need I had for committment and the things that this need made me do. Not to say he didn't make any mistakes. But I feel sorry about the ones I made and I don't know if I have any chance ever to rectify them. Regret is a bad thing to have and I have some of it.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberSlight setback today. Met a cousin who I hadn't met for a few years. Got talking abt family stuff and there is so much I have lost coz of the rigidity of my family. I am still working on unlearning all the negativity that was passed on in childhood. This relationship was like something that seemed to be working ok infact the only good thing in life at that point. But I guess I got into the same pattern that I adopted with my family of being the caretaker and not getting much in return. My family is quite conservative Indian and they have rigid ideas bout love matches. I was still ready to defy them and put all at stake for love but he wasn't so it hurt even more. And its a cultural thing in India, its always the girl's fault if she gets entangled in a relationship. She is supposed to be a slave to society's dictum of marriage. I have strived so hard for a career. I live alone and earn my keep I can be independent in all that but I can't think independently when it comes to who I want to marry. Things have been going wrong with my folks coz I insist that I want to choose whoever I marry. With ex I had thought my search was over. He is 3 years younger. The day I told him abt breaking up his answer was pat. Yeah you will be forced to marry in a year or two while I still have time to go so he agreed instantly. Only he still wanted to be around as a friend he said. I did ok and was infact getting over him when he started coming back, calling me and contacting on his own and I felt that it might just work out a second chance. When I asked though he took a whole week before saying friends only coz that was according to him in my best interests. Did I push himn too early for commitment I keep wondering at times. But isn't commitment needed, committment not as in marriage, mind u that is different, but committment to a person and an acknoledgement of the relationship isn't that needed? I get these lows at times. I dunno why m assuming a mother role here trying to be good to him and all. Yes I fucked up but he fucked up too. Why can't I keep that perspective and stop synpathising and caring? Y does every discussion remind me of only what I did wrong and why do I then tend to gloss over his flaws? I need strenght. A lot of it. I am smart intelligent and a go getter I have alwys been. I can surely do better for myself na? So why am I stuck?
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
dh
offlineMemberI can relate to the cultural/family pressures and too am working on breaking myself away from that. I am sure you have heard this before, it is your life, no one can live it for you despite how they want to control it. Just, stay under the radar and stay happy. If people ask you when you are going to get married? just node, smile and say 'soon' LOL, it has worked for me so far
oh you deserve someone real and better, please don't settle.
Posted 2 months ago # -
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offlineMemberGuys some help. I have mostly been a loner. A friend told me that I have a very 'get to know me only if u r serious' look at times. Maybe I do at times. But I need to make more friends and get out. I just can't seem to do that. Every time I ask people to meet they have something or the other to do and I don't like being the one asking always. What do I do to make people want to meet me? They are ok on phone and stuff and chat for a long time but somehow meetings don't materialise. How do I change this? How do I make more friends? I want to surround myself with fun to be with people I know I have it in me to be funny and witty but somehow my otherwise professional attitude tends to hide it I feel. Any suggestions?
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago #-
Jagged
offlineMemberKC said:
Guys some help. I have mostly been a loner. A friend told me that I have a very 'get to know me only if u r serious' look at times. Maybe I do at times. But I need to make more friends and get out. I just can't seem to do that. Every time I ask people to meet they have something or the other to do and I don't like being the one asking always. What do I do to make people want to meet me? They are ok on phone and stuff and chat for a long time but somehow meetings don't materialise. How do I change this? How do I make more friends? I want to surround myself with fun to be with people I know I have it in me to be funny and witty but somehow my otherwise
professional attitude tends to hide it I feel. Any suggestions?I am in the same boat now. I let my relationship with my ex distance myself from alot of my friends and I'm trying to reconnect, etc with them, but I think I maybe hurt them in the past. I have no idea about how to go about making new friends lol.
Posted 2 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberBut jagged u can reconnect if they were truly your friends they will understand. In my case I didn't have friends to begin with and so its tougher. Anyways update. I am in a profession where sharing of info is very important. All of us professionals from various organisations circulate work related info through smses. While we were together I used to tell my ex y don't u forward me info so he used to say I never forward msgs and he never did though I used to always do that for him. Today for the first time I get a work related sms from him. First ever time in all these days. WTF?
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberI like one thing. Everytime I think of that work sms he sent, I realise that though it might be an attempt to start communication, it was a cowardly one. If someone wants to talk, wants to maintain contact, they could do so in a better and more direct manner. Of course it could be that he was scared after I was rude last time he called and I picked up in my sleep. But he has to go through this fear. Its how I used to feel everytime I sent a msg or tried to call, this fear that he wouldn't pick up and think m pestering him. Only he will go through the pain I went through to some extent will he understand how it had been for me isn't it? In any case, m trying to concentrate more on me, though there are still things that trigger off memories and make me go weak in my resolution. Thoughts still sneak in at times and confuse me.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
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offlineInactiveKC said:
I love him yes. But today I feel I have let the old relationship go. Its like accepting someone is dead. U miss them, but u also know that they aren't coming back. But there is alwyas new life isn't there? Or like some favourite dress that u have outgrown. You won't part with it, but u know u can't wear something two sizes too small anynmore. Well m getting too philo here I guess
I agree with you KC. I had that thought 2 days ago. That once i get past my emotional state, i would finally accepted that whats gone is gone and i should not be looking back hoping it will come back. if it does, it does, if it doesnt then life goes on. Of couse there are days when it will look as if everything is bleak again but well..its the cycle of evolution..
KC said:
I like one thing. Everytime I think of that work sms he sent, I realise that though it might be an attempt to start communication, it was a cowardly one. If someone wants to talk, wants to maintain contact, they could do so in a better and more direct manner. Of course it could be that he was scared after I was rude last time he called and I picked up in my sleep. But he has to go through this fear. Its how I used to feel everytime I sent a msg or tried to call, this fear that he wouldn't pick up and think m pestering him. Only he will go through the pain I went through to some extent will he understand how it had been for me isn't it? In any case, m trying to concentrate more on me, though there are still things that trigger off memories and make me go weak in my resolution. Thoughts still sneak in at times and confuse me.Yes i agree with you. NOw i'm still excited and eager when he text me. Of course my heart will jump when i see his name. but when i see the words he use, trying to act cold and distant, i get a feeling akin to dread. And his texts were always about silly things like "how ya coping?" "I have exams next week and haven't started studying"
Posted 2 months ago #-
KC
offlineMemberI didnt realise these games that could be played when we broke up the first time. And I know that he isnt bad or didnt plan to play these games, it just so happened coz he didnt know himself. Had I known what it could lead to, I would have become stronger earlier SCG. I would have discouraged the how ya coping type messages. But sometimes I feel that its better he wont contact coz that sms in some ways triggered another type of hope and right now I am better off without any hope of this and focussing only on myself.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberSlightly feeling blue right now. So wanted to get a hug. Today didn't even call friends to talk abt this much. I need to face it all myself. How long will I take help? The forum helps that ways you can put out your thoughts atleast. Someone will read them sometime and you also get the satisfaction that u poured it all out somewhere.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
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offlineMemberI kept myself as busy as possible yesterday. Went and sat at my guitar teacher's recording studio. Had a mini date in the evening. I could have started something there but it would have been coz I was lonely. Then went for a drink with someone who is a common friend of me and ex. He introduced me to some other people. Sang in public after a long time. I had a good time. But also this is the most difficult part yet of my life. There is a break up and the break I have taken from my parents. I wonder what's my problem, why do people I love always hurt me so irreparably? I was with this date and I realised that little acts of chivalry had gone out of my love life completely. But why is it that m still stuck on that guy? I wonder if I can ever forget his touch. Maybe if I have someone else better soon I can. I want to get married and have a family. I had dreamt of that with him but I don't know if I ever wnat to reconnect on my own. I wish I could just start my whole life afresh or if I could have amnesia. I have friends yes, but I still yearn for him. Heard he has taken a break from work. Wonder if he ever thinks of me. Wonder if I pushed him away completely this time. The common friend told me that he felt that my ex had pushed away his luck but why am I also paying for his folly? I am at a point where I don't know if I can take it all anymore. Sometimes drastic measures seem so tempting, but I am trying to make a good living out of things. Its gone I don't feel he is coming back now and all I want is a good good cry and to forget all of this and get on with life. I was never ever like this, so weak. Will I get ok? Why do I end up loving people who don't give me back the same care?
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago #-
dh
offlineMemberhey..KC you have to stop thinking this way, stop thinking why things always happen this way or that way..I could feel that your love is grand and big and you care a whole lot but maybe it is way too heavy at times..let him be because you deserve someone the same ..
hang in there!
Posted 2 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberthanks dh that put somethings into perspective...was a weak moment when I typed all this out. will try to be more objective..you are right I need someone who would care as deeply. I am not the one who takes these things lightly and so I need someone who also makes as much effort. lots of shit happening in life all at the same time so sometimes it messes up your objectivity..you are right if he cant measure up to that seriousness and care I would be better off without him..I just dont know why I am like this so serious..maybe I should cut some slack or maybe I can just be myself..I still slip into thinking why doesnt he care at times..need to stop..need to make peace with it that he wont come and its ok coz I may have someone better with me
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
sillycatgerl
offlineInactiveKC said:
I would have discouraged the how ya coping type messages. But sometimes I feel that its better he wont contact coz that sms in some ways triggered another type of hope and right now I am better off without any hope of this and focussing only on myself.I understand what you mean. My heart totally jumped when I saw his ‘how ya coping? Regret what decision?’ sms .. a result from him viewing my facebook status. I was happy, excited, scared, anxious and I didn’t know what to do.. I thought of ignoring then think how he would react if I ignored him..afterall he broke up with me!..then I got all soft and replied back 6 hours later. “No, its about my job”. Shit had I know about this forum earlier, I would have not replied at all and made him wonder… =(
Posted 2 months ago # -
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offlineMemberHey KC! Got your message this morning. How you feeling today? I know that things will get better. You have been so strong for me and the rest of this forum- We really appreciate it. That said, you deserve the best. The best man, the best love, the best treatment... I do not want you to settle for less. You are in a tough predicament, but if he is making you miserable, he may not be worth it. And he doesnt see how absolutely wonderful you are, he may not be worth it. Sadly, I cannot guarantee he will come back and recognize your gloriousness, but I can guarantee that NC is the BEST way to go about HELPING him see it. AND I can guarantee, there is a someone out there who you will love and WILL see how wonderful you are and love you just the way you are! Stick with it KC, we are all here for you. As far as the parents- not sure what to say, your culture is so different from mine. As an American, if my mom gets too involved, I can tell her to fuck off.
Any person who does not know what they have, does not deserve what they have.Posted 2 months ago #-
KC
offlineMemberI need to focus on one thing at a time. Right now the focus is on me and only me and what makes me happy. I have stop thinking what others including my folks will think about the new me. The new me is what I want to be and so that is what I shall be. I am going to playy pretend that I am awesome and who knows it might come true. Good suggestion that given by armylady. You know waht I just will decide that its enough all this crying and feeling bad about myself. Its only making me feel bad, isn't affecting anyone else. So world here I come and I will go back to my if u mess with me u r the loser attitude. I was like that earlier so of course I can be that again. I am taking too much on myself right now. Slow down kid slow and steady wins the race
I can do it and I will.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberWas a bloody good day. Worked most of the time. And then in the evening one more person asked are u inlove? Hahaha a lot of people have asked that this past week thanks to my happy status messages
also one guy got to know abt my break up through the grapevine. Now I hate gossip and hate it when my personal life is discussed. So I was angry but the good part ws that he was also going through a break up so he was told that its normal and natural look she is going through it too but she isn't thinking of stopping coming to work Pat in the back KC I told myself. M making as many plans as possible for weekend. I had stopped being myself for a while now before and during the relationship, now I should get back with a vengeance. And a big thanks to everyone who writes in my diary and chats with me through the day. You guys are amazing.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
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offlineMemberhahaha one more are you in love...funny when I really was in love only one person could guess it and he didnt even know me well and now when m sort of out of it, so many people think I am in love...somehow it makes me happy that people are thinking that, coz that means I am looking happy and confident somehow or atleast sounding so...I am realising that i am most important for myself and that I need to keep that in mind for every relationship...I have understood it but now comes the difficult part, that of implementation and that is the hardest part...I just hope I do it well...I think I am quite out of it now
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago #-
KC
offlineMemberWatched a movie. The hero had the same lean built as my ex and all I felt a bit sad abt how I might not have hsi arms around me maybe not ever who knows. But it had some good lines abt how being nice is not a virtue. The hero says mice are nice too there is no point in letting anyone insult you. I love movies sometimes they make you see things that you don't see normally with a few dialogues. But I still miss those arms only m not that miserable. Its more like a little wish a secret wish for happiness. I wish there was some hope but well as of now its about only me. I come first that's all I know. I felt like calling him telling him that the hero's arms reminded me of u but I won't. I wonder if he ever thinks of me when he sees little kids coz that's what he said I reminded him of. Don't know I just hope sometimes he would get over this feeling that he has that it ont work out. But that's not my concern and I can't make anyone evolev yeah I know but sometimes makes u wonder.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberSo I go have a drink. A cocktail. The 5th time I have drunk in my life hahaha I know u guys reading this would laugh. So for the first time I get to know what they mean when they say I got high. That feeling was good. But also got to know ex might get promoted. Didn't like tht too much coz workaholic that he is it might make him miss me evn less. Felt bad about that a bit. Wanted to slap him hard to wake him up. Its tempting to call the ex when u r slightly high. But I so am never calling. So I come her and vent some stuff to SCG. And finish it and get a message on phone. Ex sending another one of them work messages. This is too funny. Dude u can't have th guts to say u r missing me u want to hide it from urself or maybe u tell urself that u don't want to give me the wrong impression so u send these meaningless work messages that u never sent all the time we were together. Well m not buying the live branch of friendship. Its what u want not what I want. As for me u have only one place in my life right now in any other capacity u r useless dude so just don't even try. Yeah maybe u r shit scared of calling me coz I bit u off a bit last time. But if u really miss me and want me u would swallow ur pride and come. Though m not waiting till eternity for that. As of now m gonna sleep tight and go for my trek 2mrw
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
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sillycatgerl
offlineInactiveKC girl! You are doing very well you know that?
I am so proud of u!!!!!!!!!!!!! and your NC is working..hehe.
I was afraid that guys would stil have their pride and won't come back. But I'm telling you if they miss you enough, eventually they will. =)Hope i will get to where u are soon!
Posted 2 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberNa I didn't and he can't even feel bad coz no one replies to those messages. M plg a trek today and m going for another picnic maybe with a common friend 2mrw. That might rattle him a bit though. But I don't see him doing anything about it. He might just cry in private about it. How frustrating. But m not giving in. Coz if I do now, I ll never be able to stand up for myself in relationships. And I do need to stand up for myself though I need to guard against being a stubborn arian too. Anyways I didn't reply and I won't. I don't want a skewed friendship coz all the time we were in limbo that was how it was, a friendship of his convenience. If I ever become his friend too I want equality there too. And thanks guys for all the encouragement. U guys make me feel that I can make it in life
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago # -
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offlineMemberThere is only one another conclusion though. He might really chicken out and continue living the greek tragedy wondering how I changed so much and why life is unfair. He could easily do that too. What a pity that would be but I can't help that and sometimes that makes me sad. But again people need to learn their own lessons u can't do it for them.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago #-
sillycatgerl
offlineInactiveKC said:
How frustrating. But m not giving in. Coz if I do now, I ll never be able to stand up for myself in relationships. And I do need to stand up for myself though I need to guard against being a stubborn arian too. I don't want a skewed friendship coz all the time we were in limbo that was how it was, a friendship of his convenience. If I ever become his friend too I want equality there too.I agree with you totally on that. I don't want a skewed friendship nor one of convenience cos we're familiar to them. As like you, i feel like i'm in limbo for a while and i hate it. I need clear cut answers so i know where to go, which direction to take.i hate not knowing..how to move on properly when it's left hanging there?
Like you, im afraid mine would be a greek tragedy waiting to happen. Men and their pride. But then again i read how my ex begged his ex gfs beg when they left him heartlessly. if he can do it for them and not me.that shows alot.
Posted 2 months ago # -
KC
offlineMemberU r right inlimbo. Scg the work sms is nothing. Its just a listing of events happening in the city that we journalists circulate amongst ourselves. There is no greeting in it. Its just something like 2mrw at 1 such and such is happening at 3 pm some protest rally at 7 some celebrity is coming to town notifications like that.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best. - Marilyn MonroePosted 2 months ago #
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