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Free Break up Help, Relationship Advice, and Plan to Get Your Ex Back
What can I say that has not already been said?
We all tend to believe that our story is unique, that there’s no way out of here and we can not see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks to this forum we can discover that currently there many people on the same boat, even if it’s not a relief (as it's not nice to see people suffering) it gives us hope and makes us understand taht htis happens to everyone... even to celebrities!
I sent an NC e-mail almost by mistake, after screwing up everything for the first 2/3 days and telling her how bad I was feeling.
After those words, by acting towards her rejection I calmed down and told her, basically, what Scott always suggested. We had to keep the contact as we had to give each other several belogings.
Won’t go into details regarding what went wrong: I know it very well and I saw it coming. Each story is pretty similar.
Things have been gettin better little by little. After days of depression and anxiety.
I do have many questions, after 7 weeks break up and 5 weeks of NC (broken by her to collect more stuff at my place).
I ask myself, do I really won’t her back or it’s just pride? Am I ready for it?
Sometimes I feel I’m getting over it, I’ve been going to the gym again, playing guitar, doing yoga… Basically doing new things and trying to boost my confidence… Sometimes I;m happy in a way I can not describe, sometimes I feel down and that it’s not enough... I can not even concentrate.
If I manage not to think about it for at least five minutes, then I feel happy for 5 more minutes. Maybe one day I'll manage to remove her from my daily thoughs completly.
I’ve been quite strong and I'm surprised about it, today instead I feel that I want to reach her and speak of the progress that I’ve done... or just to see how she reacts on a contact with me.
It’s not the right thing to do, I know it.... That’s probably the main reason why I’m writing it in here…
I still have many things to do with myself, I wish I could go to bed at night without her being on my thought. I still wake up wondering about her...
I gave her everything I had, never ever before had the same feelings with another girl. I blow it, we both did. I can't realize if she is the perfect girl for me but I do want to give her a try.
Is it too soon?
(sorry about my english)
MrEnte,
Welcome to the forum, you are in the right place. Just to let you know every single one of us has had the same thoughts, fears, and questions that you are having; they are completely natural. In terms of you asking whether or not it is too early to reconnect, the forum administrator suggests only reconnecting when you are in a place emotionally where she could reject you and it wouldn't devastate you. I do not know your situation fully, but from the sounds of it you are not in a place emotionally where her rejection wouldn't affect you; at least right now. If you read my NC diary you will see that I discuss many of the concerns you have, and you'll also see some of the resolutions I came up with a few days after having the thoughts. Hope it helps.
SteveMc said:
In terms of you asking whether or not it is too early to reconnect, the forum administrator suggests only reconnecting when you are in a place emotionally where she could reject you and it wouldn't devastate you.
A big indicator that you're not ready to reconnect (besides the fact you just joined the program) is that you have to ask a question like that in the first place.
You just started, don't rush things...there is plenty of time, believe me.
Love rewards patience.
Stay Strong!
Thanks guys, you are great!
I feel much better after a map.
Have many plans for the week end and now I'm going out to enjoy a nice evening with friends.
I have to accept completly that this was the best thing that could have happened to me, once the pain is gone, it's time to evolve and become even better!
Wish you all a nice week end.
Hang in the Mrente, stick to the plan and stay strong
Thanks DanCan,
I'm still keeping the NC... I lost the count now... and honestly don't remember when I exactly told her that I needed some time... As we had to break contact, it was mandatory to meet to exchange things, had to tell her again that I needed my spaces. She didn't took it really well... But finally she came home to collect her stuff, I now have my spaces and it makes me feel better, the place doesn't smell like her anymore and it's not filled with her things. I even changed the structure and decorated the living room!
Yesterday I had the best night out after almost 2 nights! And I've been out many times on the last 7 weeks, but she was always in my mind, maybe in a negative way. Negative feelings are now fading away.
I won't rush things, cause I'm sure soon it will arrive the day in which I won't be thinking too much about her.
It makes me even happier to focus on myself as I'm also going on holidays in a few weeks.
Now I'm going to the gym and hope you are all doing a little bit better as well.
I know you just started your evolution but the plan says to get a journal and write your thoughts down daily as well as write down the pro's and con's of your relationship.
It's seems to be a crazy idea but it REALLY helps. There is something about it that helps and soothes your pain. Maybe it will help answer all the questions and doubts you stated in the start of your NC diary?
Writing down the pro's and con's of my relationship (and still writing them after a month of break up) helped me see the truth! They helped me realize the strong points and the bad points in my relationship. I now work on the bad points daily and cherish the good points :)!
The plan says everyone evolves differently and this may be how, by keeping a journal and updating it often. I also write in my journal the good advice I find on this forum and read it when I am down. It's been a GREAT eye opener for me and a AMAZING journey.
Good Luck MrENte...I believe you can do this just like everyone else can:)!
Hi all,
jus to let you know that I'm back home after another great day.
I went to the gym this morning and when I left I find out there were a few miss calls from different 3 different friends on my mobile.
I Had lunch with a friend, then coffe with another pal and a great evening out with many people.
2 great evenings in a row.
I also met a friend that I haven't seen in a while and she asked me about my girlfriend (she was not aware of the break up), that's when I realized that 2 hours passed by without me thinking about her. And it made me feel really good about myself.
Hope you are all having a good time
GOOD FOR YOU!!
That's the way you EVOLVE! KEEP IT UP...your doing great!
Hey I can see you are slowly reclaiming yourself. It seems tough in the beginning but gets easier. And no its not necessary to exactly see the light at the end of the tunnel. One of my favourite books The Secret describes our life jouney like this. Imagine you are driving in the night from NY to Washington. You don't see the whole road. Your headlights just show you around 200 meters ahead. As you keep going ahead 200 meters more are unravelled. That's hpow life is. You don't have to exactly see your destination. All you need to do is live today. Then 2mrw will unravel itself and so on
Stay strong
Still doing better, even if I woke up quite early and she came to my mind.
I was actually thinking about the last 2 days we spent together before the break up... how unsure she was and I was suspecting she was lying to me. I believe the last part of the process is to leave that behind, for good. (Those are normal feelings of my ups and downs...) But good feelings are lasting much longer now
The rest is the same, I keep writting (not in English as it's not my first language), reading... and all the usual stuff. I'm meeting with a girl later on as well.
Only one thing is making me think if I'm following the plan correctly or not. We did have to break the NC after a few weeks to exchange personal belongings, but it was her and I acted cool, as I'm keeping busy. After that meeting... would it make sense to send another NC note?
All the best for you and thanks for your comments.
You don't have to exactly see your destination. All you need to do is live today
That's totally true
Thank you!!
Hey!
Yesterday was a good day. I had lunch wih a friend and on the afternoon I went for a quick date. Everything was ok and I enjoyed. Two weeks ago this could had been impossible!
On the evening I went to a friend's place for a chat and coffe(Tea myself) and then had a really good dinner with my housemate. Went to bed in peace with myself and read a book.
I woke up early though... thinking of her... Thought it was gonna be a difficult day, so I shaved, did some abs, had breakfast, shower and went to work in a good mood.
It was another good day! 3 in a row...!
I don't feel the "need" to contact her now... so it seems like a good sign.
She will have to contact me as she received mail at my place... I will handle it the best possible way. It only bothers me a little bit that we have to break contact for these things... I mean she moved to the new place 3 weeks ago and she didn't changed her address yet?
Well, whatever... I'll keep working on my plan, and in the meantime I'll deal with this limited contact...
Another good thing: I have to wait only 4 weeks to go on holidays (from Europe to the States) for 15 days
hey dude thanx for your kind words! sounds like ur getting yourself back nicely. its so true, you just have to stay busy and get ur sh*t together. idk when i'll see my ex again but i know when i do, i will be the one with the power! stay strong & thanx again
Difficult day at work today. Coudn't concentrate a lot during the morning.
It happens once in a while.
Went for lunch and tried to relax. After a while I felt better and I'm back on track again.
Sometimes it seems like an obsession; I've been learning to replace those bad feelings with good ones, even if it seems difficult, in the long run we can all make it. I'm sure of it.
I just arrived at home and had a nice chat about Rugby with a friend. I realized today I was stressed because of work and not because of here; in certain situations we can feel overwhelmed by feelings but my overall energy is still good so I can turn another page on my plan.
I won't react to her now! I must stick to this and avoid any type of contact, 'cause I still need to make some improvements... not only if I want her back but also if I wanna move on into a new relationship (with her or someone else). No girl will deserve (or fancy) me in this conditions. I still feel that I need to work on it at least for a couple of weeks, without rushing things.
It's kind of a relief to know it and that she is not contacting me either. She'll be forced to do it very soon and I'll keep acting cool
I'm only having a few hours of bad feelings once in a while, but if she finds me during the moments that I feel good... she'll notice that nobody can stop the faith of a volcano I have inside of me.
And yes, no that I feel much better I must get back to all my friends that had been supporting me for the past two weeks and in a way, try to pay them back.
“Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.”
All the best,
MrEnte
You are doing well mr ente. You are on your way and in apositive way. Willingness to change is half the battle own you know and you have that. Stay strong
thank you soo much for my speedy reply!! just had a nosey through your own diary and i hope i can be as strong as you, looking forward to a time when they arent in my thoughts 24/7 although i want him back.
Good Luck!
Trying to stay strong...
She was here a few minutes ago to collect something. Still cold and distant. Maybe I was also a bit indifferent, but it's her who has to make the first move... not even to get back but to mantain a good relationship.
At the moment I don't see any light of hope to get back together. It seems she is kind of acting like if it was me who dumped her or did something terrible.
I don't know what have I done... I'm trying to move on and maybe the best thing would be to find a rebound myself... Even if it doesn't seem fair.
We didn't got into any important conversation, but she was even more kind to my housemate than to myself! I mean... I treat her really well and I believe I have done many good things for her. So I ask myself... Why?
I would like to read this tomorrow and give an advice to myself but I wouldn't know what to say...
She was going to meet her best friend now, I told her I saw her a few days ago and she replied "I know". She also said that yesterday she called my best friend to say hi... I didn't knew it
Just called him, they had a superficial chat as well.
I know I should keep concentrating on myself... and keep the NC. When I told her about not contacting each other a while ago I didn't knew about this site, so maybe my NC message was not very effective.
After 6 weeks of No Contact from my side and a limited contact from her as she needed the stuff it would seem stupid to try another NC text?
MrEnte said:
After 6 weeks of No Contact from my side and a limited contact from her as she needed the stuff it would seem stupid to try another NC text?
No contact isn't about getting your ex back. It's about taking a break from your ex and using the opportunity to get your life back and feel good about yourself.
You seem to be doing well.
Only time and new experiences will bring you back to where you were and it's something you just have to go with.
But keep up the good work and good luck!
i agree with scorchio. Start dating again and focusing on improving yourself. im sure she will pick up on the good vibes and more confident you whilst maintaining NC
I Slept it over... Woke up during the night a couple of times. I've been into many stages and the worst is gone.
I've thinking really carefully and at the moment I don't want to be with her. The relationship was good even if I also had my doubts about our future. It would have been a mistake to go further; as a person she is great but nothing more than that. I don't see us having a family together. I want someone different.
You might all think I'm crazy with this rollercoaster of feelings. But after yesterday's short meeting I have finally realized what I feel. Even knowing that I no longer love her like before, it hurts a little bit... but it's the last step to get over her completly.
Help me to stay strong and make the last step towards my new life and happiness and sooner or later I will find someone new
Thanks
MrEnte
Hello Mr. Ente...I was reading your posts but I didn't see your "Break Up Story". Also, did you send the recommended NC message or is it that you two just stopped talking after the break-up. Like S.W. said there is a difference between "ignoring" each other and No Contact. By sending the recommended NC message it will flip her switch. Please read my earlier post on my NC Diary...
I too had many emotions running from hot to cold, happy to miserable. Yes my ex felt like an addiction...
Happy reading and evolving.
Thanks for your post...though I am not 100% I am much much better than I was 3 months ago and I finally allowed myself to date even though the new guy is trying to rush things...I won't let him.
Thanks LCA,
We've been together for 7 months. At the begining she was pushing more than me. I wanted to take things easy even if I liked her so much. We had a great time together and everyone was amazed by our relationship and love. People still ask me about her (as they were not aware of the break up) and they tell me how a great couple we were...
Things started to change little by little, I was falling in love. Previously she was telling me that she needed more attention from me and then she began saying that she needed more spaces.
We broke up after 1 month of ups and downs, she was very confused and needed her spaces. Said she was sad and not happy with herself, but she was no longer in love with me.
When I felt things were going on the wrong direction, I went on panic and started calling her more often and reacting bad when she was cold. I didn't wanted to loose her that way, I wanted to sort things out.
We discussed about it for a couple of days, I did not handle that situation on the best possible way. We both cried... she said weird things, bad things to reject me and good things not to make me feel so bad... Alsom something like "I'm sure I will regret it in the future, but it's the way I feel." That's why I was even more confused.
I sent a few text messages... and then some e-mails, I told her I would wait. Then after a couple of e-mails and days I concluded that was the best thing... and sent her the NC e-mail (I didn't new about this site by then) basically I said that I respected her and that I understood it was the best thing for both of us and that the best thing would be not to contact each other for a while.
I know it's not as effective as the one suggeste by S.W. but that was 6 weeks ago, so I went into N.C. and she contacted me a few times just to exchange personal stuff. I mantained the calm and she showed some bad reactions to the NC.
I saw her only 3 times since the NC started, yesterday for just a few minutes. When I saw her I did not feel any attraction whatsoever, I kind of saw her in an objective way... and even if she is a great person, I don't wanna be around her all the time anymore. As someone else said, I don't miss her... I miss the way she used to be, until I got to know her completly.
I'm not perfect but I was trying to improve on many things day by day, It didn't work. Because it takes 2 persons to build up a healthy relatonship.
Now, It's time to keep on track and become a better person. I still need to Evolve... and the week-end is coming!
Great job MrEnte...
Did you copy, paste, and rename as your break up story???
Okay S.W. get ready to do your thing and close this topic (MrEnte's Breakup Story) for good.
You stay strong! Of course, you will be able to evolve into a better person. We handle the pain, ups and downs after the break up, we see the whole pic after the break up. We go over our weakness and also know our good points, we will be building a healthy relationship with or without our ex.
MrEnte said:
We didn't got into any important conversation, but she was even more kind to my housemate than to myself! I mean... I treat her really well and I believe I have done many good things for her. So I ask myself... Why?
She is probably acting this way because she still cares, and she is realizing she made a mistake.
Guess what?
No one ever takes the blame at first, they like to hand it off, and tell themselves none of this was their fault.
When you leave them alone (NC) they start to evolve, and realize their part in all of this, that is why it is not a good idea to force a reconciliation before your ex can come to this realization...make sense?
MrEnte said:
Because it takes 2 persons to build up a healthy relatonship.
That's right, you can't play both parts.
Focus on your own personal evolution.
Stay Strong!
Thank you very much Scott, it gives me more energy to keep thinking on my personal evolution.
This forum gave me the strengh to work harder on it.
Good things are already happening at work already, which will keep me busy during 8 hours every day.
Also I'm organizing a big party at my place this week end!
It seems that you are all far away from here, otherwise you would all be welcome
I also decided to do things for all my friends that supported me when I was really down.
I'm going to finish reading "The Last Lecture" from Randy Pausch and would like to suggest it to any of you guys
Looking back in time, I'd like to tell a little story. Since by then I did not have access to this site yet:
2 days after the break up I was walking home with a colleague, after work. In the middle of the conversation (he was actually talking and I was trying to listen) I said "Sorry, see you tomorrow". I went accross the street. I started to cry like a baby and text her to ask not to come to the house to collect something that evening, I didn't want to see her. Never felt that anxiety before and I was feeling the weight of the world upon my shoulders. I kept walking and in the following corner I found a blind man who asking for help, suddenly I forgot about her and all my bad feelings. I helped the man to go accross the street and find someone's house. It made me feel good, just for a few minutes, but it was something huge for me that day.
After the encountre with him, I thought "maybe helping others it could be a good way to help myself". So whoever has time, volunteering could be a good option for all of us, to keep evolving.
Also I would like to list a few things that I've been doing after the break-up, to feel better. Hoping that it might help someone who is experiencing the first phase of the break-up...
After crying and blaming myself and begging... I went strictly to "No contact". I didn't knew the plan by then. Below there a few things that little by little made me feel better.
Call my friends and spend as much time with them as I could.
Buy a Guitar and start lessons.
Write whatever came to my mind.
Write anger e-mails to her (without sending them) sending them to my inbox and deleting them. (this helped me to avoid saying really mean stuff to her... things that we might regret).
Listening to music.
Watching movies.
Walk around the city.
Getting a haircut.
Stick to N.C.
Taking showers and shaving.
Create plans for the incoming weeks and "New year's resolution"
Go to the gym
Date / Flirt.
Smile and sing.
Ask her to take away all her belongings.
Redocorate the house
Focus on myself.
Holidays.
Biggest problem was Facebook, but after the deal with Rox, I'm walking on the good direction.
Hello MrEnte.
Yes this list should be very helpful...however...there were a lot of things I couldn't do after the breakup. I couldn't bear to hear a love song or watch a drama movie. But now I can. I also decorated my house and gave myself extra attention...extra long baths, bought more of my favority body spray and slept whenever I wanted to (outside of work of course)...I hit the ground running and finally started dating again.
Keep going...it does get easier.
-LCA
Mr. Ente v.s Facebook
Everyone seem to be on facebook now, even my parents signed in lately. I've been used to be connected with my friends all around the world.
It's been hard and I've been lying to myself for a long time. Truth is... I was checking every single day, my notifications, her profile, her comments, her pictures. She was checking me out as well, of course and she let me know by mistake. Once I was online and she liked then disliked within 10 seconds a comment on my wall. She was faster than me and denied the access to her wall.
I kept going and updating once in a while, without showing any reaction. Then exchanging messages with a member here decided to make a deal and do not look into it for at least a week. It's been hard and I was not checking her pics or if she allowed the access to her wall again. Then I came with another plan...: Do not open Facebook at all, changed my password with the help of a friend and he won't give to me for at least a week.
There are many ways to defeat facebook. This way I didn't blocked her or cancel her and didn't show any reaction. Now as I need to keep evolving I'm investing those 2 hours I was wasting in updating or checking Facebook on things that are helping me to evolve!
I was almost addicted. If I defeated Facebook, everybody CAN!
Still moving on, I don't thing were all these strenghts are coming from, but I'll accept them and I'm grateful for it.
I applied as a volunteer to coach a soccer team for blind people and I'll have my interview next week! I love football (in USA called Soccer) and helping peoplo so I guess it's one of the experience that will help me to evolve.
Also some things have been changing at work (for good), they were stressing me in the past and now I'm happy I overcome to them.
I feel like calling my ex to thank her for dumping me on a difficult moment! I feel that this break up has been one of the best things that ever happened to me.
PS: Still without access to Facebook
Good for you to become a volunteer, you will view life in different perspective. I was used to be a hotline volunteer for ppl who wanted to attempt suicide, I would try to talk to them when they need help ~ even though when I got break up, I have to fight hard to keep myself in balance. But I am glad I got this forum.
It is so nice to know you got something out of the broken relationship, yourself back!! Keep it up.
I have been thinking about volunteering at the local homeless shelter but haven't done it yet. I am so busy I don't know how I would have time but I don't need to be so selfish and MAKE time.
I would do it to give back to the people, the universe and to appreciate what I have now in my life. I think your doing a GOOD thing MrEnte by applying for the volunteer coach. You will shine doing this!
Keep it up and Keep going! You have some good advice from people on your blog.
Get out (like you said, going to the gym) and forget FB.......Facebook is the devil right now...pahahaha!
Take Care and keep your head held high!
OMG MrEnte.. so about facebook.. this is the same question i asked on my forum if i should delete my ex from my facebook.. but u are so right.. i am not going to delete him.. i.e. show no reaction.. my biggest problem is that i know his password too so i keep on loggin into his FB and checking his msgs and stuf.. i know i know.. its wrong but its so hard to control.. ima try the ONE WEEK NO Facebook thing and see how that works for me..
i read ur story.. All of us here really are in the same boat.. it just leaves me to wonder why a human being would do that to another??
One question for u.. after you sent her the NC note.. did you get any calls back from her?? cuz my ex called and texted me for 5 days straight into my 3rd day of NC.. but ofcouse i didn't answer and i dont plan on either...
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!
Thanks Rabbit and Finallyfedup
The good thing is that we are not only trying but we are working on getting better.
I'm almost 28 years old and I've been partying since I was 14 (that's 14 years!), need to do new things, while most people keep a boring routine -specially dumpers- until they realize to be living in a bubble!
I think it's time I do things for other people. It might sound selfhis but I also do it for myself.
Forgetting about Facebook is really good, Believe me, it does help a lot.
Besides, Not updating anything can create a lot of curiosity on EX's and it could be even more powerfull than giving an stupid update.
Take care and enjoy life, even during bad moments: We enjoy good experiences and we learn from the bad ones!
All the best,
MrEnte
You seem to be doing well mr ente. Keep on going, helping others and yourself. They say what goes around comes around. So you help people now and someone will help you when u need it most.
Sorry guys, sorry Scott and Rox... After 47 days of really good NC and handling situations, I screw it up a little bit...
Have to be honest now and tell what I did wrong.
I thought I was ready for a reconnection... I was quite sure I don't want her back. So I did it... Also because I was not confident of my previous NC note (which I wrote without knowing the existence of this Site).
I wrote her an e-mail saying that I was doing ok and that this break up has been the best choice for both of us, as I'm doing new things. I told her that maybe it would be a good idea to meet before I go on holidays (in 24 days).
She replied saying that she was glad that I'm doing good and that I understood her decision. She will check her shift and let me know for a date...
After talking to Rox I finally realized that the best thing will be to wait until I come back from my holidays or even more.
I need help now to fix this mistake before it's too late... even if it might take another NC letter I'm willing to do it better this time.
What should I do in case she tells me to meet.. Shall I wait or shall I tell her before she contacts me that I rather meeting after I'm back from my holidays?
Many things are going well for me and I don't wanna mess it up, for my sake...
Didn't want to rush things... I just really thought it was a good moment for me to do it. I know I should have asked for an advice before... please don't be hard on me. We still didn't meet and if we manage not to meet until I get back from my holidays it will really make me stronger.
Would appreciate an advice on how to fix this before it's too late...
Thanks
Mr. Ente
MrEnte said:
Would appreciate an advice on how to fix this before it's too late...
Nothing to be sorry about, making mistakes is all part of your personal evolution...it's how you grow.
As long as you admit and learn from your mistakes, and then start NC over again...all is well, OK?
You mentioned that you never had a chance to send the NC message we use here from the free plan.
Well, now is your chance.
Don't worry about looking stupid, there are worse things in life than looking stupid from time to time...like living an empty meaningless life.
Stay Strong!
That's right ME, when we make mistakes, we pick ourselves up and try again! It's no biggie really, you have plenty of time. You are confident and determined and that's halfway there already. I don't think it's like starting from scratch, cause you managed to remain in NC for 47 days (wow!). I feel she's being somewhat receptive but you need to put some breakes on. Send the NC message again and don't even think of meeting up or calling her before you return from your holidays or I'll make sure I do something very mean
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