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* Rox's NC Diary *
(50 posts) (16 voices)-
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Posted 1 month ago -
Rox
offlineMemberHi Jay, I'm glad you found something positive in my posts and that there's something here that inspired you. Although I must say I'm so far from where I want to be, that it comes a bit as a surprise to me
Unless you got inspiration from my ex-ex-ex-ex story! Well that is a success story but it was 6 years ago and I didn't send the NC message However, I did NC and let him go, so maybe that's why it worked. But I understand what you mean. I read many diaries here that inspired me and made me believe that I too would be able to get out of the whole I was in.Day 17
The step backwards dayAfter feeling confident and strong the last few days, today was a shit day for me. Not all day but most of it. What's up with these anxiety feelings? I'm sick of them. I really can't be sure of what triggered them. Maybe it was that song on the radio or the fact that one of my friends like an idiot had to tell me my ex had updated his Facebook yesterday. I freaked out and shouted at him - don't update me on what he's doing, I don't want to know, is that hard to understand? Geeeeeez.
Still it's okay. I knew these days would come sooner or later. I'll take this as a sort of test. Yeah it was a shit day but it was nothing compared to the days before sending the NC message. At least I've been able to eat and I'm positive I'll be able to have a good night's sleep
That's progress, right? I felt so much love for him today but at the same time I wasn't sure if I wanted him back. The stupid Facebook games he keeps playing are kinda putting me off. He's gonna be 37 in a few weeks ffs, isn't he old enough already to be trying to make me feel jealous with a rebound? I'm 30 and I reckon I'm much more adult than he is. Yes I freaked out in the beginning. But I refuse to play stupid games like these. I know what he wants. He wants me to react and feed his ego cause he loves having girls fighting for him. He should know I *never* compete with another woman for a man's love. I have my dignity and my self-respect and those come first, even if I have to go through hell to get over a broken heart. That's just something I categorically refuse to do.
Why did he update his facebook with whatever yesterday? Because he owes me money and he needs to send payment on the 10th. Soooooo he's expecting me to log on my account in 2 or 3 days and check my mail and also his profile and the crap he updated it with. Well bananas, that's not gonna happen. What makes him think he can outsmart me now? I'm in control of my emotions now and see things much clearer. And I'm not falling for his stupid tricks anymore, although they still piss me off. What a fucking baby really. First he can't deal with the breakup and get a rebound. Then he plays stupid games. He's playing the same old game but I'm not the same little girl of the last few months. For someone who thinks he's so smart, he's pretty dumb to realise things have changed. If he contacts me, my response if necessary will be via email. Period. If my response isn't necessary, strict NC remains. What's up with these guys anyway?....
It takes strength to fight, but courage to let go.Posted 1 month ago # -
chicaloca
offlineMemberawe rox... Now I see what you meant. It does suck sometimes. I think I had a trigger similar to yours, also a friend of mine came with info. Nothing serious, but info is onfo. He told me last night that today he was having an editorial meeting at the magazine where my ex works as a freelance. He said he was told he could invite people with new ideas, and he was thinking I could go and propose a new fashion editorial. then he said: well, but I guess your ex would be there for sure so... OK THIS IS NUTS, AS IM WRITING THIS, MY FRIEND POPS UP ON MNS TELLING ME HE MET WITH MY EX. and he tells me, he was so cute. GEEEEEEEEEEEZ! what is up with people! really!!!! Ugh. Anyhow, that was the trigger, and it came again. I really hope tomorrow is forward day for us! Much love Rox!
Posted 1 month ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 1 month ago Surfiechick
offlineMemberChin up Rox. These days happen and when you have been feeling good for a while they can be a bit hard to deal with. But its all part of the process - just keep focusing on you and you'll soon be back in that good place where thoughts and news of your ex dont make you feel anxious or sad or worried. You'll get there. Just keep taking one day at a time.
Stay strong. xox
you cannot choose how people treat you but you can choose how you reactPosted 1 month ago #-
Rox
offlineMemberYeah chica, info is info, doesn't really matter what it is. I say - No! - to info on the ex! Thanks for the encouragement Surfie - I can see that good place and I'm trying to reach out for it.
Day 18
Nothing much to report today. Feel better and more confident than yesterday but not as calm and collected as the day before that. It's fine. Surviving these days and not fucking up when they come is a sign that we are indeed evolving, thinking and questioning things. And not jumping before looking and expecting things to go our way - something I'm totally guilty of. This works as a lesson of life as well.
So today I took a mini-step forward
There's an open road in front of me and only I can determine how fast I walk in it. If I don't go as fast as I would like, it's okay. Time is something I have plenty of.
It takes strength to fight, but courage to let go.Posted 1 month ago # -
daisybo
offlineMemberKeep going rox, it's normal to have crappy days and you are doing well. As for mates that update you it still happens to me all the bloody time. Decided from now on as soon as someone mentions his name i will stick my fingers in my ears and start singing to myself! that should shut them up.....
Posted 1 month ago # -
allee
offlineMemberHEy Rox.. you diary is always so inspiring. You are so strong.. and I hope I can get to that level one day too. I had to break my NC note not cuz i wanted to but it was inevitable. But I am starting it again.. I will keep coming back to ur page for more inspiration.
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
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The proceeds will help maintain my free Blog and Forum. I Thank You for Your Support!Posted 3 weeks ago -
Tootsie
offlineMemberIt's funny how little things can set you back. The other day my ex was signed in msn, which is like the first time since he moved in with his gf. I can't help but wonder if it's because I stopped talking to him. He doesn't have to hide anything any more from her, so he can freely talk to whomever. At the same time I wonder if he's hoping that I will say something. I will never know because there is no way in hell I'm breaking NC. My point is, seeing him got me down for like 2 days but now I'm so over it! I've come to the conclusion that the less we know about our ex's, the better! It been 2 weeks since you've been on. I hope everything is peachy.
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
Rox
offlineMemberLol daisybo, great tip, I will do that next time
He he I'm still laughing about that one.Allee, thanks a lot. I've taken a peek at your profile and wow, you've came such a long way, I'm very very proud of you. You are in control now, don't blow it! You are facing the biggest NC test now, and in the long run you'll value so much the fact that you didn't give in when faced with this challenge. Stand proud, stand tall! You hold the whip, use it!
Tootsie, they are definitely stupid ridiculous little things we give importance to that we wouldn't even think about if we weren't in this situation. And they can set you back big time! My biggest accomplishment in the last few days was stop checking my hidden tracker. It was hard but I really needed to get rid of the thingy. What does a click on my profile mean? Well.. not a damn thing. Well it means he's thinking of me but fuck what he thinks. Actions speak louder than wor..... profile clicks. I'm done with that. Over. He's banned from my life now. Totally. Well almost. He still needs to transfer money into my account every month, and he does. I didn't say thanks the last time and I felt like a bitch at first but wtf, I'm doing HIM a favour and I'm glad I didn't contact him cause now he knows I mean business.
So I haven't been online for a while. I have been busy with work, my Master's, my driving lessons, my weekends away, my friends, my dancing, my language learning (without my ex's help of course :)) etc. I've actually been avoiding being online. There were days I didn't even give the lappy any use. Anyone who is important and needs to contact me has my number, and I needed the time away from the lappy. It was great because it made me feel stronger and more serious about not checking his FB or my tracker, which I'll get rid of in the next few days anyway. It served it's purpose and there's so use for it anymore. I'm not gonna hold one to ridiculous things like these. At the time it was enough for my self-esteeem to know he hadn't forgotten about me and was still checking what I was doing. Right now that's not enough. Actually that's absolutely nothing. So fuck his FB and fuck my tracker
Day 44 since we last spoke
Day 36 of NCI let day 30 pass without any special celebration. In fact, I haven't been counting at all and was so surprise to see the alert on my cell phone at midnight saying "1 month of NC ha ha!" I thought "wow, a month already!" Which was good and at the same time it wasn't. Good because I totally forgot about it. Good because time went by so quickly the last couple of weeks, whereas the 1st week took a century to go by. Time is going faster and thoughts of him are less recurring. I can't deny I still think about him, I do, every day. I guess I'm just disappointed cause I know we have great potential together but... shit happens, life happens, move on. On the other hand I felt quite sad with myself. For day 30 I should be - or wished to be - much more evolved than I am.
This is surely a new phase in my personal evolution. The one I let go of every little things I gave too much importance to that were setting me back, the one I break free from all those chains. I do feel free and it feels... amazing really. Knowing I'm strong enough to say - No, I don't need or want this crap in my life. Knowing that I deserve so much better. Knowing that each day is an opportunity to prove myself I can be happy on my own, without depending on him or anyone else. I lived in denial for far too long. Now I can really say these things and actually be honest with myself and believe them. I never want to be the person I was last month ever again. There is probably more heartache destined for me, but I need to go through this right now so I deal with things better if this shit happens again. It's never too late to learn and I'm glad I'm learning how to overcome life's adversities using a new approach. I tend to be too attached to the past and that never brought me anything good. I respect it but fuck the past. Now it belongs where it should.
His birthday is next week and of course I know what to do... or better, what not to do
So it's day 36 and the million dollar question is: am I ready to reconnect and do I want to reconnect? Ha - drum roll please... - No and hum... No. Not right now. Whoever came up with the 30 days of NC needs a reality check. Hell, I need another 30... and probably 60 or more. I don't want to talk to him. I don't feel like saying hi. I'm not curious to know if he's still with Ms Rebound - probably is but that's besides the point. I don't want to reconnect right now. It just doesn't feel right. And well, I'm not ready even if I wanted. Yesterday I went to the pub that he usually goes to. I thought that maybe I shouldn't go cause maybe I'd find him there, but I'm not gonna let the thought of him determine where I can or can't go for fear of bumping into him. So I went anyway. I didn't see him but my heart was racing when I got there. That means - Not Ready. Now I'm certain I'd be able to handle it and be in control, but I couldn't avoid my heart beating like a Ferrari racing. Still, knowing I'd totally be able to be in control if I happened to see him was a great feeling. I'm not sure I want him back. My heart says yes, my head says no. How original.
Here's to another 36 days of NC
It takes strength to fight, but courage to let go.Posted 3 weeks ago #
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